Elephants, Parents, and Love

As you all may or may not know, I'm an only child. Part of my 'only child' experience is the fact that I don't have as many sources - especially not of the close variety - to give and receive love as people who have siblings.

*Let me take this time to say that I have thoroughly enjoyed being an only child and I unequivocally prefer it to having a sibling. I also feel the need to clarify that what follows or precedes this isn't meant to impugn or insult anyone. Now I shall continue.

As I've gone through life, my experience and my personality have combined to create an existence that, to be quite honest, has felt bereft of love at many points.

*One more thing: this isn't about romance or relationships. I suppose that is part of it, but there's a bigger picture here.

It's usually at those points when I make the worst decisions I've known myself to make (those times and the times when I'm bored).

*No, I'm not in any physical or emotional danger. Once again, means to an end.

I've probably gotten into relationships - and definitely stayed in some longer than I should have - because I haven't enjoyed those times when love was barely (or sub-consciously) existent. Having fewer opportunities to do anything makes you hold onto the opportunities that you have a little stronger than you would otherwise, and I guess that was one form of it for me.

All that said, the one source of love I know I've always had is my parental unit. I know they've always been there for me, and I hope they know I'll always be there for them. That's why I'm moving back home next summer, at my own professional detriment (which could, in all honesty, be huge). I couldn't care less. Maybe it's because I'm a Cancer. Maybe it's because of the stuff mentioned above. Whatever it is, it is.

The love I receive from my parents isn't all I have, but it is all I need. It really is a foundation for me, and the fact that I know I'm not guaranteed to get it from anywhere else only solidifies the need for it. I feel like I'm a necessity to them. I know they are to me. Things just go a little deeper when you're an only child...or maybe just when you're me.

All that brings me to a HuffPost article I read this morning. An elephant gave birth to a calf, and then attacked the calf.

Workers at a zoo in China had to remove the calf from his mother, who was trying to kill him. The calf cried for five hours for his mother, as he obviously did not understand that his depressed parent was trying to do him harm.

To me, that's just heartbreaking. I couldn't imagine the kind of basket case I would be if my mother didn't love me, much less if she physically harmed me (obviously, this goes for my father too). This poor elephant calf, who was just born, had to deal with issues of abandonment that no living thing should ever have to take on. How can one - and yes, I know it's an elephant - possibly go through life knowing that the one who gave it to you tried to take it away...especially when you can't process why?

At this stage in my life, I'm closer to my parents than I am with anyone else. I don't know what I would do if either of them ever turned on me. I can't even comprehend it, and my brain stretches further than that of most people. I can't even stand the thought - and they'll tell you how I avoid it at all costs - of them not being here, so the idea of their presence being negative is too far out there.

This poor elephant calf has to deal with that from day one. It has to live a life that I can't fathom...and I feel horrible for him. Thankfully, people who worked at the zoo were able to calm him down. The mother is depressed, and hopefully (I know nothing of animal medicine) she can get better and somehow be a loving, supportive parent to her child.

As an only child whose vital source of love is his parental unit, this one just really got to me. Love is probably the most basic human emotion other than happiness, and of course the primary source of love (certainly in chronological terms) is the parental unit. Living without that just seems impossible, but that's what this elephant calf is forced to do: at least for the present.

I have plenty of experience in feeling abandoned, isolated, alone, and so on. Plenty. Much of it is of my own doing, I'll freely admit that. This situation, though...all I know is that for what I'm sure if the first time, I'm going to pray for an elephant.

This will happen for two reasons. The first is that through my own experiences, I feel this elephant calf's pain. The second is that because of my own experiences, I never could feel this elephant calf's pain.

Counter-Culture: How My Dating History Disproves a Myth

Let women tell it, dating is supposed to go like this:

Boy Meets Girl. Boy talks up Girl. Boy gets Girl's number. Boy takes Girl out on 2-(however many she feels like) dates. Boy pays for all of them. Eventually, Girl decides Boy is worth a relationship. Boy asks Girl to be in a relationship. Girl accepts.

Now, this is supposed to be the ironclad "my way or the highway" guide to relationship-building. Ask most women you know, not only is this 'the' way to get it done: it's the only way to get it done.

How many of my relationships came from such a pattern?

Catfish Confessions

This is going to be amusing and slightly difficult to write at the same time.

So, I've been catfished twice - before it became popular. Shoot, way before it became popular. Both times were during the year I lived in Atlanta (2001-02).

Being the Good Bad Guy...or Bad Good Guy

Alright, so I’ve got a situation.

I may have shared this, but one of my best friends is engaged. His fiancé has a friend…and by now y’all know where this is going.

Dying Hard on Valentine's Day

I will spend Thursday evening alone. I’ve decided against taking myself out to dinner – I just think it’d be really awkward with all the couples there – but I am going to see A Good Day to Die Hard.

That title makes sense, given the day that it’s coming out. A lot of us – both men and women – are going to be alone because certain things die hard…if they die at all.

Cuffing Season vs. Non-Dating Season

Everyone knows what cuffing season is, so I won't explain that. Not everyone may know what Non-Dating Season is, but it will make perfect sense in a minute. Non-Dating Season is the three-month period from November 15-February 15 in which it is folly for people - especially men - to start new relationships. These seasons obviously clash. Let's take a look at them.

Happy Anniversary

I was originally going to post something else today (it's already written), but today is an anniversary of sorts for me. It's a strange one, and it harkens back to this.

Before The Rings, Here Are Some Things

Now, as y’all know; I have no plans for marriage. I’ve talked about the reasons before, so no need to re-hash (at least not right now). That said, a FB post helped me come up with this topic. There are certain things that people don’t discuss before deciding to tie the knot. Here are a few of those.

A Great Dating Article (And My Silly Comments)

Mandy Stadtmiller is a really great writer. She’s also not a bad-looking woman. Anyway, I found out who she was through the wonderful world of Twitter maybe a year ago; and recently saw that the article I’m about to comment on getting retweeted quite a lot. If you’re a woman, you could do a lot worse things than put her in your reading rotation. I only directed that toward the ladies because she mostly writes for the ladies. This one here was an exception.

By the way, please read her whole piece here. It is far more entertaining than this will be (the link at the end of her commentary on #3 alone is worth it). I’m just listing the points (unless it’s necessary to include more, like with #2) and then saying what I think in italics.

No Friend Zones Over Here

So, there’s this thing called the “friend zone”. I’ll assume that y’all know what it is. If you don’t, I’ll assume you can figure it out from the context. I have figured out within the past year or so that (with one possible exception) I will never be in the friend zone…or have one myself. I don’t want to make this too long (quiet, regular readers), but we shall see.

Tis Better To Have Loved And Lost...

People always talk about how hard it is to get over a relationship. You're with a person, you love them, they love you, and then it just stops.

Of course, if something like that just ends then not only is it a tragic event - it was maybe precipitated by one, which if true serves to double down on the feelings one has to get through and get over.

I'm going to propose an idea, though: that it's harder to get over people who you don't get into a relationship with than it is to get over people you do date.

Standards and Preferences

Ed. note: As you all may have noticed, I've been away for quite a while. Almost three months since I've put an entry out. Lot's happened since then. Stuff is still happening. I didn't stop writing, though. Built up a nice little queue. It'll take a couple weeks to release everything. Here's the first of those 'reserve' entries.

I think I talked about this before, but it seems to bear repeating: there is a difference between standards and preferences. This is especially true when looking for “someone”.

People seem to get these things confused for some reason. Some want to call preferences ‘standards’ when they clearly are not. Can they be called ‘personal standards’? Perhaps. Before we definitively answer that question, let’s create a base.

Raising The Bar

As we put another Father’s Day in the rearview mirror, it’s time to look at how we men choose who we want to be fathers with. Some of us do great jobs regarding the selection process. Some of us do not. Those of us who don’t do such a great job end up paying for it - literally and figuratively - for a long time. For those of us who have avoided the pitfall (or just don’t want to experience it again), how do we avoid it?

It’s really simple: tighten up the selection process and raise the bar.

News Flash: Women Are People Too

We men are funny people sometimes.

One of our biggest issues is that we tend to objectify women.

Before y'all think I'm applying for a job at NOW, let me explain this.

Six Tips...And Thoughts On Those Tips

Ed. note: I don't know how I had this in my queue for so long (almost a year), but since it makes no sense to keep it there and I likely still agree with it, here it is...

Ran across a Marni Kinrys article on CNN (http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/07/14/how.to.pick.up.girls/index.html) that gave men six tips on dating. Article text is in bold and regular type, comments are in italics.

(CNN) -- You have to think about picking up girls the exact same way you think about picking up a box. You just do it. Seriously. After working with thousands of men all around the world, I have found that the common issue holding men back with women is that "thing" on top of their shoulders. It thinks, analyzes and makes excuses, so rejection is self-inflicted before women even get a chance to do it.

Here are six secrets men need to know about women to help them stop that "thing" in their head from destroying their dating life:

Why I'm Never Getting Married

So I’ve finally figured out the main reason why I need not ever get married. It came to me in the form of a question that someone posed on Facebook. The question was…

…after you get married, who should be the most important person in your life: your mother or your spouse?

The Unattractiveness of Being Smart

Sometimes I run across tweets that inspire me to write. This would happen to be one of those times.

One of my Twitter peoples retweeted a woman saying she’d take a smart man over an attractive man.

Anyone got the number for BS? I need to make a call.

 

Reasons...Three Months Later

So, as most everyone knows; I decided three months ago that I was done with women/dating. In this time, I have thought about a few things and I am still as grounded as ever in my decision. I don’t think I ever gave expanded reasoning for it, other than outlining the events that led to it. I’ll go ahead and do that, under the guise of explaining why it is so easy to stick with it.

Lowest Common Denominator

I said I was going to stop talking about dating/relationship type stuff, but a tweet I saw and responded to made me realize there's something that needs to be discussed. Someone who one of my friends retweeted said that rule #1 for any "relational" (as opposed to relationship) partner was that they had to have a vagina. I said that the condition was necessary, but not sufficient. Guy then replied to me and said that sometimes it is sufficient.

Now, my mind immediately went to the fact that guys have been falling all over themselves for it for years and years. Even though there are so many reasons to not do so - friendships, finances, family - fools still go all out for it. Jay-Z and R Kelly made a song about it. Many rappers have made songs outlining the dangers of such behavior, although the message is often clouded by some accompanying presentation which a large segment of the population considers to be misogynistic.

I'm not arguing 'for' or 'against' on that point, because that's not what this is about. What this is about is one simple thing that guys who go all out seem to forget: something that has economic application even though it's a mathematical concept.

Thoughts on the Washington Post/Kaiser Family Foundation Survey

I came across an interesting survey the other day thanks to a friend of mine posting about it. It’s the Washington Post/Kaiser Family Foundation effort that asked questions of black and white respondents of each sex.

The questions all had 4 or 5 possible responses on Likert type scales. All of the percentages, unless otherwise noted, will be for the strongest response (strongly agree, very important, and so on). Going to pick out a few of these questions and vibe a bit.