Entitlement

Most of the time I write these things, I know where I’m going and the only question is how I’m going to get there. This one is a bit different.

Friend of mine and I were talking and he asked me if I’d written or seen anyone write about the sense of entitlement women feel when it comes to this whole dating/relationship thing. I know I’ve danced around it a few times, but never taken the issue head-on. I thought the good brothers at VSB might have discussed it, but I couldn’t find a post in which they did.

Well, the first part of that’s about to change. Since I have no idea where I’m going, I’ll just throw some random thoughts out there and see what conclusion (if any) I come to.

1. Women are entitled to respect.

This should pretty much speak for itself. No woman deserves to be called out of her name or subjected to any form of insult or abuse. There’s just no way around that. If a woman rejects a man’s advances, he should keep it moving.

2. Women are entitled to honesty.

I refuse to believe that men have good reasons to lie to try to get women. When I’m talking about lying and honesty, I mean both in word and deed (thought is rather meaningless without the other two unless you’re dating Miss Cleo). A man shouldn’t say - or act like - he makes $50,000 a year when he makes half that. Only serves to hurt them in the end. Really, women plain deserve authenticity. The fact that so many men can’t give it to them will be part of the next note/blog/column/whatever.

3. Women are entitled to appreciation.

If a woman says or does something nice, she’s entitled to some form of appreciation. It doesn’t have to come in a blue box from Tiffany’s. It could be as simple as verbal appreciation. In the case of household matters, it could be doing something that she normally does.

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Okay, I’ve had enough of this.

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4. Women are not entitled to the 6’5”, 250 corporate attorney who combines the style of Idris Elba and the skills of Lexington Steele.

I want to know who told women the opposite of this. She - because I pretty much guarantee no man would have said that - must have been trying to boost her own self-esteem and then the idea likely just spread like wildfire. I can’t even think of how ‘bad’ a woman would have to be to be entitled to such a unico…I mean, man. “I’ve got degrees”…so does a thermometer. “I’ve got humps”…so does a camel. “I’ve got [meow]”…so does an animal shelter. I’m not even trying to say that I’m the greatest thing in the world, but I stay within my weight class (maybe literally). Manny Pacquiao may be the best fighter in the world (shut up, Floyd fans: I ain’t dealing with y’all right now). If he steps in the ring with Klitschko, though; I know what’s going to happen.

5. Women are not entitled to “going out” being a euphemism for “having free rein on his wallet”.

Now I’m not saying this from any personal means. Unless arrangements have been made beforehand, I fully expect to bear the financial burden of any outing with a lady (part of what made the last note so poignant, but I digress). If she offers to pay - and this goes for friends too, since it’s obviously the only recent experience I have - she’s going to hear an argument from me until either a) she gets really insistent or b) I’m just tired of arguing. Now, truth be told, there are times when finances have shaped my decision. A few months back I canceled a date because I simply didn’t feel she had shown enough - and I don’t mean physically - to warrant me spending money on her. That’s the first time I’ve ever made such a decision, but I won’t hesitate to make it again.

6. Women are not entitled to using double standards as they please.

This goes for black people in general as well, but that’s another discussion - one that’s already been had. Now I’m not advocating any step back in time to when women were considered property or any of that foolishness. What I am saying is that women are not entitled to having their cake and eating it too. If women want to be treated as equals, that’s great. Women should be treated as equals. In order for that to happen, though; all that “we want equality” out of one side of their mouths with the “the man should have to do XYZ” out of the other side has got to stop.

7. Women are not entitled to being considered Queen Mother Earth of the Universe before the appetizer comes.

Like someone’s supposed to bow whenever they come into the room. I’ve never bowed before my mother in my life - and she gave me life. Some women have bumped their pretty little heads with this type of behavior. “You should do this for me” - note, that doesn’t say “women”, that says “me”. There are only two things I’d need to ask a woman who came at me like that: what planet she’s from, and when her return trip is.

8. Women are not entitled to unilateral authority on relationship decisions.

I remember telling someone that she’d be in for a surprise if she and I got married and she expected to pick out our house decor on the solo. She thought I was joking. Got mad when I let her know that wasn’t the case. As anyone who’s read any of these can figure out, I’m rather opinionated and have no problem expressing said opinions. Whoever thinks that I will slow that down in any way - or that any man should - is sadly mistaken.

9. Women are entitled to seek out everything they want in life.

No, this does not contradict #4. Women can look for anything they want. They’re just not entitled to get it. Actually, this can be stretched to a general point. I’m not saying that women can’t have anything. Shoot for the moon. All I’m saying is that these things shouldn’t be expected as if they’re First Amendment rights.

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Now, to answer some (imagined) popular questions.

1. Why does the man always have to pay for dates?

Men made substantially more money than women when the idea was born, and the evening-out of financial responsibility re: dating hasn’t caught up with the still-incomplete closing of the gap between workplace salaries.

2. Why does the man have to share his feelings first?

Well, a lot of women have thus stupid idea that men don’t have feelings, and thus men have less to lose by “going first”. They also like the feeling of being the gatekeeper, which is the role they obtain as soon as the guy goes first.

3. Why does the man have to open car doors, give up his coat, walk on the outside, and do stuff like that?

Hopefully, a man will want to do these things: not because the woman is a woman, but because he cares enough about her to show those displays of respect or affection or whatever falls in between that’s accurate for a particular situation. I do all those things for women I work with. It’s no big deal to me. I’ll tell you where the problem lies: in that many women won’t do the smallest things in return that show appreciation for what a man’s doing amd/or will give off the vibe that the man just has to do these things from chromosomal reasons. Now, I know a few women who aren’t that way. Can’t say I know that many.

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Now, there is one statement that supports the idea of entitlement - and I believe this idea is true. If you read VSB, this will sound familiar: [women] are expensive and [men] are cheap. That fact alone puts women in an 'entitled' position, and I can't fault them a whole lot for taking advantage of it. They know they're desired, so they already have the upper hand in "negotiations". Men start off at a deficit. Sometimes men go too far in their declaration of this fact (supplication). That's the plain worst, and I'll get to why next time around. So women negotiate from an advantageous position because they know some men will do anything to close the gap. That's why women get me with...well, black women in particular...with the "there's no good black men" bull. If that were the case, the negotiation/relationship process would be much different - but it isn't. To hear many women tell it, they're the more precious commodity even though good men are the rarer commodity (which makes no economic sense). And you know what?

Men entitle them to think that way.

T.I.M.E.

*This ended up being more of a ‘primer’ than a ‘definitive piece’, but that’s alright. I think it still has some merit, and still believe it was worth writing and/or reading.

Time is mutually exclusive.

I don’t know if people get how important this concept is. I don’t know how well I’ll do explaining it. I do know there’s only one way to find out.

First, a quick definition of “mutually exclusive”…and I’m not doing this because I think anyone’s dumb, I’m doing it because I hadn’t heard of the term until I started a doctoral program: basically, it means that you can’t do two things at the same time. Yes, you can walk and chew gum…but I think people who’ve read me know that I’m not going to talk about walking and chewing gum.

Now to the thought that started me on this topic: you can’t worry about the past and prepare for the future at the same time - at least not to the point that you should expect to do either well (needless to say, there’s only one you should be doing anyway). When you waste time on things that already happened, you’re giving yourself less time - and “effort” can replace “time” - to make new things happen. Sometimes people are doomed to repeat history in the sense that they just don’t make it history.

This is why I personally hate being asked to do something while I’m doing something else. I hate losing and/or switching focus involuntarily…and I’m definitely the one to mention that I’m doing something at the time and request some type of temporal accommodation. Don’t like it? Don’t interrupt me. Done and done.

Anyway, people always spend time doing useless things when they could be doing useful things. “Man, I need to figure out something to do”…how about you just get your behind up and do something? If you’re at home, wash the dishes. Wash your car. Vacuum your living room. Iron your clothes. You may wish you had those five minutes in the near future. At work? Straighten out your desk. Take a walk around the office (if you work in my building, the third floor has quite the tourist attraction). I’m not saying you have to do something all the time, but if you’re doing nothing and complaining about it, there’s something wrong.

And then there’s the greatest thing you can do if you’re home, especially if time and opportunity permit.

*I’m going to warn everyone that this is where it could get personal. It will for me.

Probably the greatest regret - and those who know me know I don’t regret much - I have in life is that I didn’t spend enough time with my paternal grandmother, especially after I got into high school. Every so often when I would want to go to my cousins’ house, one of my parents would suggest that I go visit her. Sometimes I did, far too often I didn’t.

That, and the majority of the few regrets I do have, involve time - particularly time not spent with family. I think most people who’ve moved away from home can relate to this. I think about the (third) cousins I don’t really know because I left Broward County before they were born. Shoot, I think about the second cousins who were right here in Tallahassee who I never visited. Family I have in Albany that I didn’t see in almost 25 years…and it took my uncle’s passing to end that drought.

Related note: droughts like that ending at funerals…scene that happens far too often.

To be perfectly honest, if someone offered me a decent-paying job in South Florida I’d return tomorrow and never look back. Now I realize how important it is to spend time with my parents (who will be featured prominently next time around).

Anyway, missed opportunity is something that’s hard to get over. I’m sure we can all think of at least one opportunity that we passed on in favor of something that wasn’t as (potentially, or even ultimately) rewarding. I know this sounds closer to decision-making than mutual exclusivity, but realization of mutual exclusivity can lead to improved decision-making.

You can’t pine over someone old and prepare for someone new. You can’t talk about inaction and engage in action. You can’t move in multiple directions simultaneously. Left or right. Red or blue. Stop or go. You can only choose one.

The Battle

Funny I start this right after I get a text from my cousin with a picture of her newborn daughter (well, that was the case when I originally wrote this Wednesday)…

I recall saying once on a blog that I didn’t feel like I had split or multiple personalities, but that I felt like I was two completely different people sharing a physical form. If such a notion is accepted as correct (and there’s a lot of reason to assume that it is), then it would stand to reason that I’ve had my fair share of internal battles.

These battles have ranged from whether to go out on a particular night to whether I should hang on to a romantic situation to how I should treat someone who has wronged me…and probably all kinds of points in between. As the title suggests, I’m going through one right now.

On my dad’s side of the family, he and my mom are the only ones who aren’t grandparents. On my mom’s side, they are only joined by my uncle Joe. Every other aunt and uncle I have has at least one grandchild. I don’t know badly how my cousin Renee is catching it, but the voices I’m hearing (that aren’t in my head) are getting louder, and the refrain is getting more frequent.

Here’s the problem: as many of you know, I’ve pretty much sworn off dating/relationships/women/whatever. Done so for a while, don’t expect it to change anytime soon. I’ve been rather pointed in telling my parents - and everyone else whom the subject has come up with - my reasoning for deciding not to play the dating game…and it has nothing to do with anyone I’ve dated in the past.

It has everything to do with what I don’t want to experience in the future.

First, there’s the approach…which is hard enough (I’ve only done this once in my life, and while I was somewhat successful it’s really not something I look forward to and have been lucky enough to escape in the past). For more on the approach and the consternation it causes, click here (http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/why-the-approach-is-the-hardest-thing-any-adult-has-to-learn-how-to-do/).

Say the approach works - total crapshoot - and you get her number…no, wait: you get ‘a’ number. You don’t know if it’s the right one until you call and she answers. Then, there will be some point when you call and she doesn’t answer. You have to wait and see if (nevermind when) she calls you back.

So you move on past the phone phase. Great, it’s time to start going out. Be prepared to front at least 2-3 yards for the dates you have to go on before she decides whether she likes you enough to pursue a relationship. “It doesn’t take a lot of money to take a girl out”…stop lying. You can be creative and come up with the picnic in the park or the trip to the art gallery, but there’s going to have to be that one ‘good’ date when you…uh…how do they like to spin it: “show that you can be a good provider”.

All that goes well and you enter into a relationship with her. Is she cheating on you? Women do this much more than they care to admit. Is she really into you? Is she over her ex? Does she have any situations that she allows to impede your relationship progress? Those and a multitude of other questions - including a few related to her sanity - have to be asked before you take the biggest step of all: that of asking the famous four-word question.

Once you ask that question, you have to then consider a new set of questions - which honestly should be considered prior to this point, but definitely at this point. Will she be a good mother? How does she keep a house (no, I don’t mean domestic chores)? How does she get along with your family? How does her family treat you? Then there’s the one question that no one wants to consider, but everyone should: what happens if we get a divorce?

I’ve made no secret of the fact that my biggest concern about getting married is getting divorced and some random woman (she is now, since I don’t know who she would be - and she will be then because we won’t be married anymore) running off with half of what not necessarily what I’ll have accumulated by that point, but possibly half of what I’ve seen my parents work so hard for so many years for.

I admit to not knowing much about divorce law and whether this would even be applicable, but I do know a lot about probability and percentages: definitely enough to make this a serious concern. “Get a prenup”…if I even have to think about that, she’s not the one. If I can’t trust her enough to take advantage of that type of situation should it arise (and I admit, I’ve dated some women and know other women I’d trust in that area), then…nope.

Oh: and all this assumes that you actually have sufficient feelings for her to go through this entire process.

So why is there even a battle going on?

Well, even with all of the above being said…I love my parents. They’re the two people who’ve always had my back through everything I’ve experienced in life. We may disagree on some things, but at the end of the day I know there’s nothing they wouldn’t do for me. So if I’m willing to risk all that and go through everything I talked about, it stands to reason that it would be for them.

I just don’t know if I want to.

As much as they’d do for me, I would love to think that I’m equally willing to do anything for them. But that…I don’t know. Getting back out there and putting myself through potentially more pain than I’ve ever experienced before (and I’ve gone through some)…sigh.

They’re getting older, so there’s also a temporal issue here - which would be the case even if there were no parental consideration, so I guess that effect is negligible. I just don’t want to do it because I see so much futility and such a small chance of it working out the way we would all like.

Now, please don’t confuse any of this to the point that you think I’d find someone just to satisfy them. While that may be true on the basic level of finding ‘someone’, it certainly would have no bearing on who she is and how things materialize. They know this, as I’ve chosen people they haven’t liked before and ended up not being able to stand people they loved (even before those relationships ended).

“You have to live your own life: they’ll understand”…I know that. “You need to get off the bench and back into the game”…heard that too. I’ve probably heard most of the possible replies and comments (but feel free to leave them anyway).

I also wonder if I’m being selfish or self-preserving when it comes to not wanting to ‘get out there’. It does feel that way: denying my parents the joy of grandparenting because “I don’t want to”. It’s kind-of like they’re asking me to do something and I’m resisting with everything I have - and both parts are true to a certain extent. As much it’s my life and all, “I don’t want to” really isn’t good enough reasoning. It’s like “because I said so” or something. I want to say there’s more to it than that, but I can’t really say that there is.

Fact is I’d step in front of a bullet for my parents (whether they’d let me is another question). I’d do all the stuff that Bruno Mars says in the hook of Grenade. I’d pay that price for them without even thinking about it, and honestly I’d have serious reservations about anyone who would have to think about it. All that said, I don’t know if I’d be willing to do for the people I love most…the one thing that I want to do least.