Entitlement

Most of the time I write these things, I know where I’m going and the only question is how I’m going to get there. This one is a bit different.

Friend of mine and I were talking and he asked me if I’d written or seen anyone write about the sense of entitlement women feel when it comes to this whole dating/relationship thing. I know I’ve danced around it a few times, but never taken the issue head-on. I thought the good brothers at VSB might have discussed it, but I couldn’t find a post in which they did.

Well, the first part of that’s about to change. Since I have no idea where I’m going, I’ll just throw some random thoughts out there and see what conclusion (if any) I come to.

1. Women are entitled to respect.

This should pretty much speak for itself. No woman deserves to be called out of her name or subjected to any form of insult or abuse. There’s just no way around that. If a woman rejects a man’s advances, he should keep it moving.

2. Women are entitled to honesty.

I refuse to believe that men have good reasons to lie to try to get women. When I’m talking about lying and honesty, I mean both in word and deed (thought is rather meaningless without the other two unless you’re dating Miss Cleo). A man shouldn’t say - or act like - he makes $50,000 a year when he makes half that. Only serves to hurt them in the end. Really, women plain deserve authenticity. The fact that so many men can’t give it to them will be part of the next note/blog/column/whatever.

3. Women are entitled to appreciation.

If a woman says or does something nice, she’s entitled to some form of appreciation. It doesn’t have to come in a blue box from Tiffany’s. It could be as simple as verbal appreciation. In the case of household matters, it could be doing something that she normally does.

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Okay, I’ve had enough of this.

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4. Women are not entitled to the 6’5”, 250 corporate attorney who combines the style of Idris Elba and the skills of Lexington Steele.

I want to know who told women the opposite of this. She - because I pretty much guarantee no man would have said that - must have been trying to boost her own self-esteem and then the idea likely just spread like wildfire. I can’t even think of how ‘bad’ a woman would have to be to be entitled to such a unico…I mean, man. “I’ve got degrees”…so does a thermometer. “I’ve got humps”…so does a camel. “I’ve got [meow]”…so does an animal shelter. I’m not even trying to say that I’m the greatest thing in the world, but I stay within my weight class (maybe literally). Manny Pacquiao may be the best fighter in the world (shut up, Floyd fans: I ain’t dealing with y’all right now). If he steps in the ring with Klitschko, though; I know what’s going to happen.

5. Women are not entitled to “going out” being a euphemism for “having free rein on his wallet”.

Now I’m not saying this from any personal means. Unless arrangements have been made beforehand, I fully expect to bear the financial burden of any outing with a lady (part of what made the last note so poignant, but I digress). If she offers to pay - and this goes for friends too, since it’s obviously the only recent experience I have - she’s going to hear an argument from me until either a) she gets really insistent or b) I’m just tired of arguing. Now, truth be told, there are times when finances have shaped my decision. A few months back I canceled a date because I simply didn’t feel she had shown enough - and I don’t mean physically - to warrant me spending money on her. That’s the first time I’ve ever made such a decision, but I won’t hesitate to make it again.

6. Women are not entitled to using double standards as they please.

This goes for black people in general as well, but that’s another discussion - one that’s already been had. Now I’m not advocating any step back in time to when women were considered property or any of that foolishness. What I am saying is that women are not entitled to having their cake and eating it too. If women want to be treated as equals, that’s great. Women should be treated as equals. In order for that to happen, though; all that “we want equality” out of one side of their mouths with the “the man should have to do XYZ” out of the other side has got to stop.

7. Women are not entitled to being considered Queen Mother Earth of the Universe before the appetizer comes.

Like someone’s supposed to bow whenever they come into the room. I’ve never bowed before my mother in my life - and she gave me life. Some women have bumped their pretty little heads with this type of behavior. “You should do this for me” - note, that doesn’t say “women”, that says “me”. There are only two things I’d need to ask a woman who came at me like that: what planet she’s from, and when her return trip is.

8. Women are not entitled to unilateral authority on relationship decisions.

I remember telling someone that she’d be in for a surprise if she and I got married and she expected to pick out our house decor on the solo. She thought I was joking. Got mad when I let her know that wasn’t the case. As anyone who’s read any of these can figure out, I’m rather opinionated and have no problem expressing said opinions. Whoever thinks that I will slow that down in any way - or that any man should - is sadly mistaken.

9. Women are entitled to seek out everything they want in life.

No, this does not contradict #4. Women can look for anything they want. They’re just not entitled to get it. Actually, this can be stretched to a general point. I’m not saying that women can’t have anything. Shoot for the moon. All I’m saying is that these things shouldn’t be expected as if they’re First Amendment rights.

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Now, to answer some (imagined) popular questions.

1. Why does the man always have to pay for dates?

Men made substantially more money than women when the idea was born, and the evening-out of financial responsibility re: dating hasn’t caught up with the still-incomplete closing of the gap between workplace salaries.

2. Why does the man have to share his feelings first?

Well, a lot of women have thus stupid idea that men don’t have feelings, and thus men have less to lose by “going first”. They also like the feeling of being the gatekeeper, which is the role they obtain as soon as the guy goes first.

3. Why does the man have to open car doors, give up his coat, walk on the outside, and do stuff like that?

Hopefully, a man will want to do these things: not because the woman is a woman, but because he cares enough about her to show those displays of respect or affection or whatever falls in between that’s accurate for a particular situation. I do all those things for women I work with. It’s no big deal to me. I’ll tell you where the problem lies: in that many women won’t do the smallest things in return that show appreciation for what a man’s doing amd/or will give off the vibe that the man just has to do these things from chromosomal reasons. Now, I know a few women who aren’t that way. Can’t say I know that many.

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Now, there is one statement that supports the idea of entitlement - and I believe this idea is true. If you read VSB, this will sound familiar: [women] are expensive and [men] are cheap. That fact alone puts women in an 'entitled' position, and I can't fault them a whole lot for taking advantage of it. They know they're desired, so they already have the upper hand in "negotiations". Men start off at a deficit. Sometimes men go too far in their declaration of this fact (supplication). That's the plain worst, and I'll get to why next time around. So women negotiate from an advantageous position because they know some men will do anything to close the gap. That's why women get me with...well, black women in particular...with the "there's no good black men" bull. If that were the case, the negotiation/relationship process would be much different - but it isn't. To hear many women tell it, they're the more precious commodity even though good men are the rarer commodity (which makes no economic sense). And you know what?

Men entitle them to think that way.