Before The Rings, Here Are Some Things

Now, as y’all know; I have no plans for marriage. I’ve talked about the reasons before, so no need to re-hash (at least not right now). That said, a FB post helped me come up with this topic. There are certain things that people don’t discuss before deciding to tie the knot. Here are a few of those.

1. Her Last Name

May as well start with this since it was the subject of the FB post. Hyphenating, taking the husband’s last name, keeping her name…that best be decided before any exchange of rings – especially if you’re set on one option. If you’re flexible, this can wait…but it should still be discussed so all sides are on the same page. 

This becomes especially important if the woman has children. Do they keep her name? Their father’s name? Take the husband’s name?

Talk it out – and try to be consistent. Changing one’s mind on this subject is bound to not go over well. But let’s stretch the last part of this topic on to the next one.

2. Number of Children

I didn’t include “desired” for a reason. But first…there are quite a few women who don’t want children. If you’re a man and you want children, you need to know this. Quickly. Of course it also helps to know if your intended has a sharply different idea than you on how many to have (say, one person wants five and the other wants one). What can have a huge impact on such a thing?

If you said “the number of children she already has”, you’re a winner. There’s a ‘mutual ehxaustivity’ effect when it comes to having children: the more people have, the fewer they want. It makes sense, but you should still know beforehand. You also want to ask how many children someone has, lest someone lie to you about it. Yes, that happened to me. Anyway: have the children situation mapped out. It’s even more important than the last name discussion, because it involves more than just the couple considering matrimony.

3. Personal Habits

Y’all know the one thing I will not go for, so we’ll leave that be. Speaking generally: if something absolutely wears on your nerves, let your significant other know – even if they don’t do it. They might just be hiding it from you. Yes, this is the part of the program when I tell you not to listen if someone tells you it’s trivial. We all have a right to our preferences, no matter how idiosyncratic they may be.

Don’t expect people to ‘fix’ stuff without giving them both notice and opportunity…and don’t expect yourself to learn to live with it. Those things can happen: I’m just saying to not expect them.

4. Child-Raising Philosophy

Do you believe in corporal punishment? Does your significant other? Better learn that real quick. I’ll include my own stance on this one: I’m cool on hitting children. Let me get married and I see my wife hit my child. She and I are going to have a serious talk…actually, that will never happen. Why? We’ll have talked about it beforehand.

Not that that’s the only question. Public or private school? Allowance or no? When should they start doing chores? Who makes decisions on when they can sleep over at a friend’s house? A lot of these are going to be nothing more than hypothetical at the point of discussion, but it’s important to get things on the table so both sides know where the other is coming from.

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I can’t stand when people say they’re afraid to have such discussions, and especially when they say their fear comes from possibly running someone off. I could say the obvious things, but y’all know them already. As such, I’ll stop this here.