Something To Hide? Something Is Wrong.

I’ve been slow on the non-football writing (actually, this isn’t true: I lost my thumb drive yet again and it had some complete-but-yet-to-be-published stuff on it) so I figured it was time (once I came up with something). This is totally random, but I think it’ll make sense.

I was thinking about my complication level in comparison to those of most men I know. Now I’ve never thought of myself as complicated, but I’m aware that some women have thought of me as just that. They’re entitled to their prerogatives: I just happen to disagree. I don’t think I’m complicated so much as…layered, multifaceted, eclectic, whatever.

The Difference Between Worth and Value

As those who follow me on Twitter know, I went through a situation (or two) leaving me thinking a lot about these two terms. Looking the two up on The Free Dictionary, I saw that each term has a definition that I would have applied to the other. Value is more internal, while worth is more external (I thought it was the other way around). So when people say “know your worth”, they’re speaking somewhat inaccurately according to the source named above.

I’ve been left to wonder about my worth - please believe value is never in question - thanks to situations like the ones alluded to above and those similar in nature that have preceded it. Just to give an overview of what happened a couple weeks ago: this girl and I were somewhat in the talking phase and Thursday (11/3) she told me she was talking to and starting to fall for another guy. Friday I went out with another girl. Saturday I went out with the other girl again. Sunday I texted the other girl. Have yet to hear back from the other girl. The first girl talked to me (as in ‘initiated conversation’) Monday, and we ended up agreeing to have lunch in Orlando next weekend. Tuesday I thought more about it and decided to not go to lunch (she's still into the other guy). Wednesday she passed it off and basically said "whatever". Anyway, back to this value/worth thing.

See, value is determined by me - and I believe I’m pretty valuable. No, I’m not going to talk about resume-type things. It’s not about that. I just happen to think that the total being of me is valuable. I think I have a lot of good qualities, so on and so forth.

Worth? Now that’s a completely different story. Worth, in this dating/relationship sense, is determined by the women I’ve encountered (for the purposes of this discussion, we’re going to limit the time frame to 2011). Given that framing, let’s look at the evidence. One girl planned a date and never showed (thankfully, I was smart enough not to show either). One girl changed her number and didn’t tell me. One girl said she didn’t have a phone, gave me her e-mail address, and then never responded. You’ve read about the last two above.

Allow me to feel pretty close to worthless…but still with a lot of value.

I think people get the two confused - if not by thinking that each is the other like I did, then by thinking that they’re the same. For instance, if I tell one of my female friends I’m worthless (or something to that extent) I usually have to clarify and say that I’m not talking about my opinion of me. My opinion of me is fine: I just don’t get why it’s so different than everyone else’s.

Had a conversation the other day in which I said that women often/usually pass over the good men (of which I swear there are more of than most women care to admit) for the flashy types. I then cycled through my male friends and realized that nearly all of my more flashy friends are in relationships. The one guy who’s probably less flashy than me? Single as I am. The flashiest of friends have never been without women chasing them, and the only question was whether they allowed themselves to be caught. I’m not sure what that says. Maybe flashing value correlates to - or is - worth.

If so, then I guess I’ll have to remain worthless. As value is defined internally, I’ll say that most - if not all - of my value comes from being me. Whatever I am, being that is essentially my value. No, I’m not Mister Look-At-Me. I’m not going to walk around with a T-shirt that says “You should date me because…” on the front and a list of reasons on the back. Love it or leave it, take it or hate it: doesn’t matter to me. It may make me worthless, but I guarantee I’ll still be valuable.

Occupy The Voting Booth

I’m sure everyone’s heard of ‘Occupy Wall Street’ by now. One year from now, there will be another movement of occupation, and it will take place all over the country. Of course, I’m talking about ‘Occupy the Voting Booth’. The presidential election - along with many others that will have a more direct bearing on Americans’ lives - is exactly one year from today.

Why Men Should Be Minimalists

I’ve seen the general subject of what an effort split in a dating/relationship situation should be discussed before. You can imagine how the discussion usually goes. Women say men should do more, men say it should be more equal. In case anyone’s wondering, I think the man should do slightly more (maybe 60/40).

That said, I think men would be wise to try a different strategy: if not in general, then definitely in certain situations. Women are always taught not to cast their pearls before swine. Well, neither should we. We should be minimalists when it comes to dating (minimalist behavior being defined as “not doing everything we can, but doing everything that is necessary”) for a few reasons. Before the women get all upset, minimalism will help women out too.

Why The Dislike Button Works

 Just got finished…well, not really: I read the article and typed this (two)Thursday morning(s ago)…reading an article about President Obama’s fundraising efforts. He raised $70 million in the third quarter: more than anyone else (obviously), but not on par with previous efforts. At the same time, someone from his camp said that the funding - and the fact that it came from a million donors - is proof that the president’s supporters have his back.

As Lee Corso would say, not so fast.

The Bet

I’m pretty sure I’ve made reference to this in a couple previous posts, but I don’t think I’ve ever written about it on its own. A while back - maybe a couple of years ago - one of my male friends and I made a bet that the other would get into a relationship first. “That’s just awful”…yeah, yeah, whatever. I know I haven’t shied away from women because of the bet and I’d be willing to say that he hasn’t either. The reason I’m writing about it is that the two sides of the bet are rather interesting when contrasted with each other (even though this is from my perspective, so I may not be 100% correct in stating half of this - that said, I’m pretty sure I’ve got it).

Just Because

*This was originally written a while back (about three weeks ago), so the timing will be off as the note reads. However, the theme is large enough that there’s still a lot of applicability here.

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Anyone who’s read my equality pieces knows how this subject burns me. Let’s get to it.

There are fewer social actions that I like less than when black people stick up for black people just because they’re black. This is no better than discriminating against people because they’re black. Anyway, there have been a few recent cases of this that I’d like to vibe on.

The Forrester Files, Part 2

This is the second of two posts that go through posts that Nicole Forrester has written on HuffPost - hence the name. Her original article is in plain text, while my sidebars/comments are underlined.

I’ll let Nicole handle the introduction…

Last week, I began to bridge the barrier between men and women, revealing five things men look for in women. Being a female and unable to understand men's language, I turned to my trusty and reliable Facebook friends who were very forthcoming. This week, as promised, I continue the discussion by sharing hours of "girl-chat" as well as the comments of my Facebook friends (yet, again), to reveal what it is women look for in men.

The Forrester Files, Part 1

This is the first of two posts (the second will be up tomorrow) that go through posts that Nicole Forrester has written on HuffPost - hence the name. Her original article is in plain text, while my sidebars/comments are underlined.

I was perusing through HuffPost - as usual - when this article by Nicole Forrester caught my eye. Interesting subject, nice smile in the picture…figured I could spend a few minutes reading what she had to say (and let’s be honest, we men always have a few minutes for pretty women - unless there’s money involved somehow). Anyway, to the article.

Five Misconceptions About Me

Sorry I couldn't come up with a cool acronym...

...as straightforward as I am, I think I'm funny in that sometimes certain parts of my personality shine at the expense of others. For that reason (and also to buy myself time as I work on another piece and lament the loss of my flash drive, which had a good 3-4 already finished pieces on it), I'll present five common misconceptions about me. I have a strange feeling these may have a common theme - no, I don't know what I'm going to write yet. I never do. It's more fun that way. Matter of fact, let's start with that.

The 'Should Have Been' Dating Order

(This is an exclusive, as it’s more personal than something I would put on Facebook).

Out of the blue, I had this thought one day: what if I dated the same women that I have dated, but in a different order or at a different time? Would things have gone better? Hmm. We’ll let’s see what happens when I “think aloud” about this.

The Silent Truth About Why Men Like Strip Clubs

Let me preface this entire thing by saying that I used to hate strip clubs. The mere idea of them just irritated me. Men paying women to dance for them? That violated so many rules of the game - as I saw them then - that partaking in such activity was an absolute negative to me. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand the seeming contradiction between Poison Clan songs that were for giving women money (Shake Whatcha Momma Gave Ya) and against giving women money (pretty much everything else).

Then I figured it out.

Five Types Of Fine

I thought I was about to run out of things to talk about, but this one could be interesting.

I think everyone knows what ‘fine’ means when talking about the (most often) physical attractiveness of women. What may be less known is that there are different types of fine. This should make sense, given that there are all types of women with wide-ranging physical features covering almost all attributes. As many women as there are in the world, it makes no sense to believe that one four-letter word could accurately describe them all.

Speaking of four-letter words, that’s exactly where we’ll start.

1. “Expletive” Fine

As can hopefully be figured out by the title, this category fits women whose physical attractiveness cannot be verbally captured without the use of colorful language. “[Dang], she’s fine. She’s fine as [heck]. She’s fine(r) than a [whatever]. She ain’t fine? You’re crazier than a [whatever].” All the men know they’ve said this at some point, and all the women whom this applies to should know this has been said about them at one point. Women who have particular parts they’re known for usually fit into this category.

Examples: Rosa Acosta, Layla El, Velvet Sky, Andrea Penoyer, Eden Stiles

2. “Process” Fine

Being  “delayed” fine does not mean that one is any less attractive than any of the other four types. It just means that it takes a few seconds to grasp it all for whatever reason. Really, this should be called…yeah, we’ll change the name to “process” fine. Ladies, here’s how you check for “process” fine - if a man stares at you and he has a studious look on his face, you’re “process” fine. Sometimes it takes a second to gather everything in. That’s not a bad thing at all: we’re just as happy in the end.

Examples: Linzie Janis, Fredricka Whitfield, Kelly Rowland, Alicia Keys, Colleen Dominguez

3. “Under the Radar” Fine

This is a little bit different than the one above. Sometimes we just miss. We’ll see someone and not notice anything at all, but see the same person 15 seconds later and be amazed. Then…”wait, didn’t I just see her”…we start wondering what happened 15 seconds earlier because we loathe the idea of missing the chance of seeing someone fine. Yes, it’s that crucial…and sometimes it takes longer than 15 seconds.

Examples: Scarlett Johannson, Sade (as in now), Hazel Mae, Zahra Burton, Reischea Canidate

4. “Transcendently” Fine

DL Hughley once said in reference to his wife that he didn’t see her with his eyes but saw her with his soul. That’s the ideal (not idea) of this category. As one might imagine, this one is mostly limited to relationships. We have to know enough about you to recognize the non-physical traits that would put you in this category. In kind, we see those things - in addition to, not instead of - physical attributes when we look at you.

Examples: Significant Others

5. “Breath-Altering” Fine

None of these are supposed to be above the others, but if one is a little bit better than the rest, it’s this one. As the title suggests, this category is for women who change your respiratory processes for an undetermined amount of time. I don’t think I really need to say anything else, and I’m only listing names in case anyone is new to the program. The rest of y’all know the list.

Examples: Richelle Carey, Tamron Hall, Sara Walsh, Lisa Salters, Monica Bertran, Maryam Nemazee, Zoe Saldana

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Now of course I’m not saying all women are fine - just that if you are, you fall into one of these five categories. Also, this is a subjective list (should be obvious, but wanted to say it anyway).

To Buy Or Not To Buy

As most who know me know, I’m no fan of President Obama. I think his “reach across the aisle and work toward bipartisanship” approach has been extremely counterproductive and done severe damage to both his reputation and his resume as a leader. Progressives have been increasingly disenchanted with him (see: Uygur, Cenk) and - surprise - conservatives still treat him as badly as they ever have (see: Limbaugh, Rush).

This is not new. I’ve never been a fan of the idea - nor the reality - of President Obama. He was fourth on ‘list’ of presidential candidates behind John Edwards, Hillary Clinton, and Dennis Kucinich (who I honestly felt had the best ideas, but knew had little shot of getting the nomination). I went through countless arguments in 2008 with almost everyone I knew because, to be frank, I saw this coming. Nothing I said back then has failed to come to pass, especially not my main two concerns with him. He’s shown his inexperience and he’s tried too hard to compromise.

He’s great at getting elected - or at least he was: we’ll see how things turn out next fall - but he leaves much to be desired as a governing official. Said it before he got elected…future tense then, of course…and it’s held up. He’s somehow allowed positives (stimulus, health care) to be turned into negatives and the negatives (most recently the debt deal) speak for themselves. His best hope for re-election sits with one group of people. I’ll get to them now.

As everyone who knows me knows, I am even less a fan of the GOP. Shoot, demographics could have easily told people that. I’m a black American from an urban environment who has a master’s degree in social work. The only GOP characteristic I fit is ‘male’. My lack of love for the GOP, as is the case for most black people, has both contemporary and historical rationale. I think everyone knows enough about the GOP to understand this, so I’ll skip straight to the dilemma.

I can’t decide whether to get a 2O12 shirt. I don’t want to vote for the president, but any other electoral activity helps the GOP. Plain and simple, I want the GOP to lose a lot more - and I mean a whole lot more - than I want President Obama to win. This is mainly true because they’re a collection of orifices. It’s also true because even if I wanted them to win and ruin the country so people would wake up, I have insufficient confidence in Americans to believe they would realize this (and given the upward trend in Rick Scott’s approval ratings, the state of Florida has given me further reason to believe this). Is that enough reason to spend $30 minimum on a 2O12 shirt?

Maybe I should divvy up the cost mentally. Say, pretend that I’m donating $10 to help him win but $20 to help the GOP lose. With thirty dollars, there are enough to go around. Actually, it may be at least 60. My cousin’s dad, who’s equally disappointed in the president, said he’d most likely give if I gave. This isn’t that much of an added burden - especially since he makes a lot more than I do - but it’s a small consideration. Hate to lead someone else down the wrong path.

You know what? After seeing my supervisor (who I like as a person, despite his political leanings) run a Google search for “Obama impressionist”…the check’s in the mail.

(Ed. note: I bought the shirt last Sunday and it came in the mail yesterday).

How Flaw Dudes Wreck The Game

(Ed. note: "flaw", as used in the title, is/was a South Florida thing.)

Much like the Poison Clan said in 1993, sometimes men do some idiotic things to (as they said it) wreck the game. Simps and suckers looking for shortcuts change everything and make things hard for all - and I do mean all - of the rest of us. How? Glad you asked.

1. They put women on pedestals.

“Baby, I would do anything in the world for you: I’d clip your toenails while you walk with sandals on just so they stay the perfect length at all times”…this kind of silliness should not be tolerated a tall (no, that’s not a typo). These guys out here breaking their necks don’t understand two very basic things: 1) they’re ruining it for everyone else, and 2) they’re only helping their own cause minimally, if at all.

2. They lie.

What for? If the truth is so bad, they need to change their ways so they can tell truths that are acceptable. Now, I don’t know what lies men tell for obvious reasons; but I imagine one is their relationship status. Actually, I know of people who’ve run with this one…allegedly (Jim Rome voice). A lot of women out there don’t care. They may even be in relationships too: they might just…how do I put this…lie about it.

3. They try to live beyond their means.

If their average hourly salary is in the single digits, they don’t need to try to go to Ruth’s Chris or Morton’s. Half a day’s check should probably be a limit as to how much one spends on a date. All that trying to ball and floss can leave someone broke and sad with the quickness.

4. They tell women what they want to hear.

Whereas #1 is about actions and #2 is about dishonesty, this one is more about truthful things that are just badly timed or things that are slightly exaggerated. “I could see us being together forever”…how about finding out what her middle name is first (and then running if it’s more than four syllables)? “You look like Halle Berry’s younger sister”…she may be pretty, but stop.

5. They overcompensate for their shortcomings.

If they’re 5’5”, they’ll try to wear boots or hi-tops everywhere. If they’re skinny, they’ll try to wear 3-4 sets of clothes (no more than two unless it’s cold and you’re layering). If they have a head like Cassidy or Ne-Yo, they’ll wear hats all the time…like Cassidy and Ne-Yo. They need to be comfortable in their own skin.

6. They try to degrade women who reject their advances.

See, flaw isn’t all about dumb things women like. It’s about doing dumb things women hate too. So what if she doesn’t like a man that steps to her? He needs to keep it moving. She’s no less of a woman after the rejection than she was before (unless she lies about it: then points can be deducted as necessary).

7. They sell out the crew.

Once a friend of mine sold me out to go on a date with this girl. Me being me, I hit him with the “what the” question. He explained it and I told him he was selling out. We went back and forth until I asked him to name a time in which I sold out. He couldn’t.

8. They try to ‘make’ women like them.

I’ll go out on a limb and say this has never worked. Even the proximity plan has worked, although that certainly isn’t advised. That old Merlin the Magician/David Blaine/Criss Angel hypnosis Jedi mind trick type stuff? No. Just no. “If I cook for her one more time”…she’ll be eating off you one more time and you’ll be lucky to be eating anything. Women know your potential with them within the first 15 minutes of meeting you - and that doesn’t increase.

9. They enable.

If you saw the end of the last note, then you knew this was coming. These guys are so starved they let women say and do whatever they please without showing even a modicum of respect for themselves. Once a girl I dated tried me by asking (seriously) if she could drive my car to meet her “little sister” - she was in the program - because it wasn’t as nice as hers and she didn’t want her little sister(‘s family) to look at her like she had all this money. I can’t remember what I said besides no, but I surely said no. I should have said “just tell them your mom’s making the payments (which was true) and that should settle all that”.

10. They never take time to learn the game.

That sounds worse than it is. I called it ‘the game’ for purposes of brevity, but the #1 characteristic of flaw is treating the whole dating/relationship thing like a get-rich-quick scheme. I find this especially funny because you can end up quite a bit poorer with this approach. Don’t believe me? Ask the guest list on Maury. These dudes think of women as objects, not as people. They don’t give women the respect that women deserve. They put their own wishes above all else with no regard for anyone else: not women, and certainly not the men who have to clean up the messes they make. They never learn the game, act like they’re the only ones playing, and then we all lose.

Entitlement

Most of the time I write these things, I know where I’m going and the only question is how I’m going to get there. This one is a bit different.

Friend of mine and I were talking and he asked me if I’d written or seen anyone write about the sense of entitlement women feel when it comes to this whole dating/relationship thing. I know I’ve danced around it a few times, but never taken the issue head-on. I thought the good brothers at VSB might have discussed it, but I couldn’t find a post in which they did.

Well, the first part of that’s about to change. Since I have no idea where I’m going, I’ll just throw some random thoughts out there and see what conclusion (if any) I come to.

1. Women are entitled to respect.

This should pretty much speak for itself. No woman deserves to be called out of her name or subjected to any form of insult or abuse. There’s just no way around that. If a woman rejects a man’s advances, he should keep it moving.

2. Women are entitled to honesty.

I refuse to believe that men have good reasons to lie to try to get women. When I’m talking about lying and honesty, I mean both in word and deed (thought is rather meaningless without the other two unless you’re dating Miss Cleo). A man shouldn’t say - or act like - he makes $50,000 a year when he makes half that. Only serves to hurt them in the end. Really, women plain deserve authenticity. The fact that so many men can’t give it to them will be part of the next note/blog/column/whatever.

3. Women are entitled to appreciation.

If a woman says or does something nice, she’s entitled to some form of appreciation. It doesn’t have to come in a blue box from Tiffany’s. It could be as simple as verbal appreciation. In the case of household matters, it could be doing something that she normally does.

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Okay, I’ve had enough of this.

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4. Women are not entitled to the 6’5”, 250 corporate attorney who combines the style of Idris Elba and the skills of Lexington Steele.

I want to know who told women the opposite of this. She - because I pretty much guarantee no man would have said that - must have been trying to boost her own self-esteem and then the idea likely just spread like wildfire. I can’t even think of how ‘bad’ a woman would have to be to be entitled to such a unico…I mean, man. “I’ve got degrees”…so does a thermometer. “I’ve got humps”…so does a camel. “I’ve got [meow]”…so does an animal shelter. I’m not even trying to say that I’m the greatest thing in the world, but I stay within my weight class (maybe literally). Manny Pacquiao may be the best fighter in the world (shut up, Floyd fans: I ain’t dealing with y’all right now). If he steps in the ring with Klitschko, though; I know what’s going to happen.

5. Women are not entitled to “going out” being a euphemism for “having free rein on his wallet”.

Now I’m not saying this from any personal means. Unless arrangements have been made beforehand, I fully expect to bear the financial burden of any outing with a lady (part of what made the last note so poignant, but I digress). If she offers to pay - and this goes for friends too, since it’s obviously the only recent experience I have - she’s going to hear an argument from me until either a) she gets really insistent or b) I’m just tired of arguing. Now, truth be told, there are times when finances have shaped my decision. A few months back I canceled a date because I simply didn’t feel she had shown enough - and I don’t mean physically - to warrant me spending money on her. That’s the first time I’ve ever made such a decision, but I won’t hesitate to make it again.

6. Women are not entitled to using double standards as they please.

This goes for black people in general as well, but that’s another discussion - one that’s already been had. Now I’m not advocating any step back in time to when women were considered property or any of that foolishness. What I am saying is that women are not entitled to having their cake and eating it too. If women want to be treated as equals, that’s great. Women should be treated as equals. In order for that to happen, though; all that “we want equality” out of one side of their mouths with the “the man should have to do XYZ” out of the other side has got to stop.

7. Women are not entitled to being considered Queen Mother Earth of the Universe before the appetizer comes.

Like someone’s supposed to bow whenever they come into the room. I’ve never bowed before my mother in my life - and she gave me life. Some women have bumped their pretty little heads with this type of behavior. “You should do this for me” - note, that doesn’t say “women”, that says “me”. There are only two things I’d need to ask a woman who came at me like that: what planet she’s from, and when her return trip is.

8. Women are not entitled to unilateral authority on relationship decisions.

I remember telling someone that she’d be in for a surprise if she and I got married and she expected to pick out our house decor on the solo. She thought I was joking. Got mad when I let her know that wasn’t the case. As anyone who’s read any of these can figure out, I’m rather opinionated and have no problem expressing said opinions. Whoever thinks that I will slow that down in any way - or that any man should - is sadly mistaken.

9. Women are entitled to seek out everything they want in life.

No, this does not contradict #4. Women can look for anything they want. They’re just not entitled to get it. Actually, this can be stretched to a general point. I’m not saying that women can’t have anything. Shoot for the moon. All I’m saying is that these things shouldn’t be expected as if they’re First Amendment rights.

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Now, to answer some (imagined) popular questions.

1. Why does the man always have to pay for dates?

Men made substantially more money than women when the idea was born, and the evening-out of financial responsibility re: dating hasn’t caught up with the still-incomplete closing of the gap between workplace salaries.

2. Why does the man have to share his feelings first?

Well, a lot of women have thus stupid idea that men don’t have feelings, and thus men have less to lose by “going first”. They also like the feeling of being the gatekeeper, which is the role they obtain as soon as the guy goes first.

3. Why does the man have to open car doors, give up his coat, walk on the outside, and do stuff like that?

Hopefully, a man will want to do these things: not because the woman is a woman, but because he cares enough about her to show those displays of respect or affection or whatever falls in between that’s accurate for a particular situation. I do all those things for women I work with. It’s no big deal to me. I’ll tell you where the problem lies: in that many women won’t do the smallest things in return that show appreciation for what a man’s doing amd/or will give off the vibe that the man just has to do these things from chromosomal reasons. Now, I know a few women who aren’t that way. Can’t say I know that many.

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Now, there is one statement that supports the idea of entitlement - and I believe this idea is true. If you read VSB, this will sound familiar: [women] are expensive and [men] are cheap. That fact alone puts women in an 'entitled' position, and I can't fault them a whole lot for taking advantage of it. They know they're desired, so they already have the upper hand in "negotiations". Men start off at a deficit. Sometimes men go too far in their declaration of this fact (supplication). That's the plain worst, and I'll get to why next time around. So women negotiate from an advantageous position because they know some men will do anything to close the gap. That's why women get me with...well, black women in particular...with the "there's no good black men" bull. If that were the case, the negotiation/relationship process would be much different - but it isn't. To hear many women tell it, they're the more precious commodity even though good men are the rarer commodity (which makes no economic sense). And you know what?

Men entitle them to think that way.

T.I.M.E.

*This ended up being more of a ‘primer’ than a ‘definitive piece’, but that’s alright. I think it still has some merit, and still believe it was worth writing and/or reading.

Time is mutually exclusive.

I don’t know if people get how important this concept is. I don’t know how well I’ll do explaining it. I do know there’s only one way to find out.

First, a quick definition of “mutually exclusive”…and I’m not doing this because I think anyone’s dumb, I’m doing it because I hadn’t heard of the term until I started a doctoral program: basically, it means that you can’t do two things at the same time. Yes, you can walk and chew gum…but I think people who’ve read me know that I’m not going to talk about walking and chewing gum.

Now to the thought that started me on this topic: you can’t worry about the past and prepare for the future at the same time - at least not to the point that you should expect to do either well (needless to say, there’s only one you should be doing anyway). When you waste time on things that already happened, you’re giving yourself less time - and “effort” can replace “time” - to make new things happen. Sometimes people are doomed to repeat history in the sense that they just don’t make it history.

This is why I personally hate being asked to do something while I’m doing something else. I hate losing and/or switching focus involuntarily…and I’m definitely the one to mention that I’m doing something at the time and request some type of temporal accommodation. Don’t like it? Don’t interrupt me. Done and done.

Anyway, people always spend time doing useless things when they could be doing useful things. “Man, I need to figure out something to do”…how about you just get your behind up and do something? If you’re at home, wash the dishes. Wash your car. Vacuum your living room. Iron your clothes. You may wish you had those five minutes in the near future. At work? Straighten out your desk. Take a walk around the office (if you work in my building, the third floor has quite the tourist attraction). I’m not saying you have to do something all the time, but if you’re doing nothing and complaining about it, there’s something wrong.

And then there’s the greatest thing you can do if you’re home, especially if time and opportunity permit.

*I’m going to warn everyone that this is where it could get personal. It will for me.

Probably the greatest regret - and those who know me know I don’t regret much - I have in life is that I didn’t spend enough time with my paternal grandmother, especially after I got into high school. Every so often when I would want to go to my cousins’ house, one of my parents would suggest that I go visit her. Sometimes I did, far too often I didn’t.

That, and the majority of the few regrets I do have, involve time - particularly time not spent with family. I think most people who’ve moved away from home can relate to this. I think about the (third) cousins I don’t really know because I left Broward County before they were born. Shoot, I think about the second cousins who were right here in Tallahassee who I never visited. Family I have in Albany that I didn’t see in almost 25 years…and it took my uncle’s passing to end that drought.

Related note: droughts like that ending at funerals…scene that happens far too often.

To be perfectly honest, if someone offered me a decent-paying job in South Florida I’d return tomorrow and never look back. Now I realize how important it is to spend time with my parents (who will be featured prominently next time around).

Anyway, missed opportunity is something that’s hard to get over. I’m sure we can all think of at least one opportunity that we passed on in favor of something that wasn’t as (potentially, or even ultimately) rewarding. I know this sounds closer to decision-making than mutual exclusivity, but realization of mutual exclusivity can lead to improved decision-making.

You can’t pine over someone old and prepare for someone new. You can’t talk about inaction and engage in action. You can’t move in multiple directions simultaneously. Left or right. Red or blue. Stop or go. You can only choose one.

The Battle

Funny I start this right after I get a text from my cousin with a picture of her newborn daughter (well, that was the case when I originally wrote this Wednesday)…

I recall saying once on a blog that I didn’t feel like I had split or multiple personalities, but that I felt like I was two completely different people sharing a physical form. If such a notion is accepted as correct (and there’s a lot of reason to assume that it is), then it would stand to reason that I’ve had my fair share of internal battles.

These battles have ranged from whether to go out on a particular night to whether I should hang on to a romantic situation to how I should treat someone who has wronged me…and probably all kinds of points in between. As the title suggests, I’m going through one right now.

On my dad’s side of the family, he and my mom are the only ones who aren’t grandparents. On my mom’s side, they are only joined by my uncle Joe. Every other aunt and uncle I have has at least one grandchild. I don’t know badly how my cousin Renee is catching it, but the voices I’m hearing (that aren’t in my head) are getting louder, and the refrain is getting more frequent.

Here’s the problem: as many of you know, I’ve pretty much sworn off dating/relationships/women/whatever. Done so for a while, don’t expect it to change anytime soon. I’ve been rather pointed in telling my parents - and everyone else whom the subject has come up with - my reasoning for deciding not to play the dating game…and it has nothing to do with anyone I’ve dated in the past.

It has everything to do with what I don’t want to experience in the future.

First, there’s the approach…which is hard enough (I’ve only done this once in my life, and while I was somewhat successful it’s really not something I look forward to and have been lucky enough to escape in the past). For more on the approach and the consternation it causes, click here (http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/why-the-approach-is-the-hardest-thing-any-adult-has-to-learn-how-to-do/).

Say the approach works - total crapshoot - and you get her number…no, wait: you get ‘a’ number. You don’t know if it’s the right one until you call and she answers. Then, there will be some point when you call and she doesn’t answer. You have to wait and see if (nevermind when) she calls you back.

So you move on past the phone phase. Great, it’s time to start going out. Be prepared to front at least 2-3 yards for the dates you have to go on before she decides whether she likes you enough to pursue a relationship. “It doesn’t take a lot of money to take a girl out”…stop lying. You can be creative and come up with the picnic in the park or the trip to the art gallery, but there’s going to have to be that one ‘good’ date when you…uh…how do they like to spin it: “show that you can be a good provider”.

All that goes well and you enter into a relationship with her. Is she cheating on you? Women do this much more than they care to admit. Is she really into you? Is she over her ex? Does she have any situations that she allows to impede your relationship progress? Those and a multitude of other questions - including a few related to her sanity - have to be asked before you take the biggest step of all: that of asking the famous four-word question.

Once you ask that question, you have to then consider a new set of questions - which honestly should be considered prior to this point, but definitely at this point. Will she be a good mother? How does she keep a house (no, I don’t mean domestic chores)? How does she get along with your family? How does her family treat you? Then there’s the one question that no one wants to consider, but everyone should: what happens if we get a divorce?

I’ve made no secret of the fact that my biggest concern about getting married is getting divorced and some random woman (she is now, since I don’t know who she would be - and she will be then because we won’t be married anymore) running off with half of what not necessarily what I’ll have accumulated by that point, but possibly half of what I’ve seen my parents work so hard for so many years for.

I admit to not knowing much about divorce law and whether this would even be applicable, but I do know a lot about probability and percentages: definitely enough to make this a serious concern. “Get a prenup”…if I even have to think about that, she’s not the one. If I can’t trust her enough to take advantage of that type of situation should it arise (and I admit, I’ve dated some women and know other women I’d trust in that area), then…nope.

Oh: and all this assumes that you actually have sufficient feelings for her to go through this entire process.

So why is there even a battle going on?

Well, even with all of the above being said…I love my parents. They’re the two people who’ve always had my back through everything I’ve experienced in life. We may disagree on some things, but at the end of the day I know there’s nothing they wouldn’t do for me. So if I’m willing to risk all that and go through everything I talked about, it stands to reason that it would be for them.

I just don’t know if I want to.

As much as they’d do for me, I would love to think that I’m equally willing to do anything for them. But that…I don’t know. Getting back out there and putting myself through potentially more pain than I’ve ever experienced before (and I’ve gone through some)…sigh.

They’re getting older, so there’s also a temporal issue here - which would be the case even if there were no parental consideration, so I guess that effect is negligible. I just don’t want to do it because I see so much futility and such a small chance of it working out the way we would all like.

Now, please don’t confuse any of this to the point that you think I’d find someone just to satisfy them. While that may be true on the basic level of finding ‘someone’, it certainly would have no bearing on who she is and how things materialize. They know this, as I’ve chosen people they haven’t liked before and ended up not being able to stand people they loved (even before those relationships ended).

“You have to live your own life: they’ll understand”…I know that. “You need to get off the bench and back into the game”…heard that too. I’ve probably heard most of the possible replies and comments (but feel free to leave them anyway).

I also wonder if I’m being selfish or self-preserving when it comes to not wanting to ‘get out there’. It does feel that way: denying my parents the joy of grandparenting because “I don’t want to”. It’s kind-of like they’re asking me to do something and I’m resisting with everything I have - and both parts are true to a certain extent. As much it’s my life and all, “I don’t want to” really isn’t good enough reasoning. It’s like “because I said so” or something. I want to say there’s more to it than that, but I can’t really say that there is.

Fact is I’d step in front of a bullet for my parents (whether they’d let me is another question). I’d do all the stuff that Bruno Mars says in the hook of Grenade. I’d pay that price for them without even thinking about it, and honestly I’d have serious reservations about anyone who would have to think about it. All that said, I don’t know if I’d be willing to do for the people I love most…the one thing that I want to do least.