Incomprehensible

In the last few weeks - not because of the dating thing, but it does relate - I’ve figured out something about myself that…well, to be honest; I already knew it. I figured out why I’m such a difficult person to really get to know or get close to.

I’m impossible to (completely) understand.

I’m more “different” than anyone I know, especially when one throws things like demographics on the table. Everyone I know fits into some kind of group or has some commonality with other people I know, but I’m often the only one who does this or is that or whatever. I’d be willing to bet that none of my friends own a Maroon 5 album. I have all of them. Ninety percent of the time I go out, I go alone. I listen to mostly rap music, but my favorite comedian is Ron White. I fit the profile of a Cancer very well, which means I feel things more deeply than most people and have a lot of traits that are more commonly seen as “female” than “male”. I’m black and I like politics, but I’ll likely never be a fan of President Obama (although I will absolutely vote for him).

The thing about being so different is that none of your friends can fully vibe with you because you’re so “out there”. I have friends (and acquaintances, I suppose) who I can do certain things with or talk about certain things with. I have friends I can watch games with. I have friends I can go to the club with. I have friends that I can talk to about politics. I have friends I can talk to about relationship matters. However, I can’t do all of those things with anyone.

That’s not an indictment of anyone, including myself. That’s just how it is. I will say, though; that to completely understand me one has to understand something. It’s not the stuff from two paragraphs above (although even as I was writing this I thought that it was). It goes further back, to the reason that said paragraph is true…and it’s going to take a deep understanding of where this is going to go for one to think I’m not totally crazy.

Back in my sophomore year in undergrad, one of my then-roommates said something that I passed off as nonsense at the time before realizing its value. He said that I was basically two different people: one was the mild-mannered student who went to class and got good grades and all; while the other was the one who liked wrestling, loved going to the club, and would snap at a moment’s notice.

*Before I go on, let me explain how this is different than being bipolar (which I believe has another name now) - even those who display bipolar tendencies have some overlap between their polar conditions. I was just thought of as two completely different people. Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

I’ve grown to embrace this concept in the fourteen years since then. I think it’s rather cool that I can be anything at any time to anyone. I like one person because he’s the one who will stop on his way to the club to check on a total stranger who’s been crying to see if she’s okay. I like the other person because he’s able to tell people where to go and how to get there.

Over time, I think the mild-mannered person has pushed the other guy into the background. People who haven’t known me for that long (less than 10 years) pretty much don’t know the other guy. People who’ve known me 10-15 years know the other guy and don’t believe the mild-mannered guy even exists. People who’ve known me longer than 15 years? Well, that only consists of people who live at home…and they haven’t seen enough of me in the last 15 years to see how each has developed.

So now we’re back to this idea of being incomprehensible. I don’t think anyone completely understands me: not my parents, not my family, not my friends, and certainly not anyone else. I think the only person who totally understands me is…well, that’s obvious.

I’ve said on more than one occasion that I have some of the most wonderful friends one can ever have. I’ve also said that none of them could write a complete biography on me. They could if a few of them got together, but no one person would be able to do it - and that is why my decision a couple weeks ago is among the best I’ve ever made.

A necessary (but insufficient) condition of a successful romantic relationship is an understanding of the person you’re involved with. Given what I said at the beginning of this piece, one can see the problem. If a woman can’t understand me, if she can’t get through the ‘two different people’ part of me without running for the hills, if she can’t understand my eccentricities and idiosyncrasies - and I’ll be the first to tell you I have a lot - then there’s no need to even travel down that road.

While learning to fully understand myself, I have oddly (but accurately) stumbled onto the fact that no one else can do the same. That makes me incomprehensible, and that’s fine…because I’m me.