Compliments...Sigh

You know, we live in a sad world when complimenting is a crazy game. Even the most well-intentioned, least ulterior, and most good-natured comments are often met with incredulity or even scorn. As such, I’ve decided to write a bit about the struggle: mainly, the criteria I base my compliments on.

You have to deserve it: I don’t really need to explain this one, do I? Only thing I need to say is that I’m not the one to give idle compliments for two related reasons: 1) I’m not about to give any ego boosts; and 2) I’m not in the business of saying things I don’t mean. Both can lead to situations that end badly.

I have to believe I won’t catch shade for it: this is why I almost never compliment people I don’t know. That’s just a shade situation waiting to happen. For instance: I found myself in a matchmaker situation on Twitter the other day as a ‘matchee’. Now, the girl looked good: there was no question there. Two things: 1) I’m as conservative as all get-out when it comes to personal encounters, and 2) I’m very aware of my surroundings – even when online. I had a real feeling that if I halfway expressed interest in her, there was shade coming. I chose to let the whole thing go.

I am not about that ‘public embarrassment’ life, and that’s exactly what happens if someone – especially if said someone is a “she” – throws shade. You’re not winning that situation if you choose to engage (took me a long time to learn that lesson) and you look soft if you let it go. Your only defense is to prevent the situation from even happening.

Let’s not even talk about the idea of complimenting another man. That would add a whole new set of problems. If I complimented another man on some matter of intelligence or knowledge (point he made in a discussion, recollection of an obscure fact) I would probably be alright. Anything based on actions would almost have to be a sheer observation.

Mutual Exclusivity and Collective (Mutual) Exhaustiveness

It’s yay funny that compliments are mutually and collectively exhaustive with regard to men and women – at least when they come from men. I can’t compliment a woman on anything besides her looks because it’s so often assumed that I have an ulterior motive and am only concerned with her looks anyway. If I even said a guy’s shirt looked nice, I’d probably have to duck from all the side-eyes that would be thrown in my direction.

Ah well: got to know the rules of complimenting…and have some. That said, the fact that we have to have rules at all is an insult to all of us.