The South Shall Rise Again (But It's Already Above The North)

I’ve been meaning to go in on something for a really long time. Some of y’all won’t like this, but some of y’all will. Anyway, long intros are becoming less my thing…so let’s get to it.

Some of y’all slay me on these social networks talking about how the north (or ‘east coast’, if so inclined) is so much better than everywhere else. I don’t know who lied to y’all, but someone apparently did. This whole “slow country bumpkin” nonsense needs to quit.

My mom’s side of my family is pretty evenly split between those of us who live in the south and those who live up north. Mom used to tell me about how the northern half would not even look down on the southern half, but regard them with some type of pity. Uh, right.

We’re doing much better than they are, by comparison…in every area imaginable. Money? Yup. Education? Yup. Job prestige? Yup. Romantic/family lives? Yup (obviously I’m an exception here). I wish someone would try to say that our northern brethren are doing better than us.

Haven’t even gotten into the southern flight of recent years - seems like some northern folk are catching on - or the fact that most HBCUs are in the south (in case you’re wondering why I mention that, study after study has shown that black HBCU grads outperform their PWI counterparts). But anyway, all that’s ‘serious’ stuff. How about some things that are a little more fun?

1. Food

I don’t know what y’all are thinking with some of your food choices. For one: sugar on grits? Y’all can’t be serious. Now, I’m not a grits fan for much of anything…but sugar? What in the blue? As if grits aren’t gritty enough (before you ask about salt, think back to chemistry class), you then add to that? I’ll pass.

Next…this “paprika on macaroni and cheese” thing. Um…really? To be perfectly honest, it doesn’t sound all that bad…but come on. I’ve always found macaroni and cheese to have enough flavor that it doesn’t need spices. Even if it were to need spices, who thinks of paprika? If it can’t get done with a little bit of black pepper at most, then someone messed up from the start.

The way you all make tea is a story in itself.

2. Music

Let’s shoot with this one…if it’s not one of the ‘Throne’ people, it’s either A) a fake gangster, B) someone who used to be hot, C) someone who simply wants to make a spectacle of themselves, D) one of those “yo, word to God, homey, yo, cousin, B, son” types, E) someone who idiotically thinks they’re better and/or smarter than everyone else, F) someone who tries to rap with a southern flow, or G) any combination of types A-F.

Actually, music is something that’s even more subjective than the other stuff I was going to put.

3. Lifestyle

This is sort-of a catch-all…so what am I catching?

Friendliness: Y’all are some rude people. I hear story after story about men not giving up their seats on public transportation for women or older people or children or whomever and then trying to say “survival of the fittest”. No, that’s being a [donkey] with no home training. There’s a difference between being tough and being inconsiderate. Then there’s the lack of even simpler forms of courtesy: I guess ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ must be as southern as dirt roads and hamhocks.

Weather/Outside: It doesn’t snow here. Yes, we have tornadoes and hurricanes. Yes, it can get really hot during the summer (it was a nice 100 in Tallahassee yesterday). Tell you what: I’ll keep this rather than deal with snow tires and thermal underwear and all that stuff. Also…I like trees and parks and grass. Plants are our friends.

Space: Saw that an average 1BR apartment in NY is about $1800 a month. I have a 2BR (about 900 square feet) and pay less than a third of that. Y’all have some nerve saying y’all live better than us when your apartments cost more than house notes do down here. We have yards. We have trees. Concrete is alright, but too much of it makes for a cold environment: which you all know, both literally and figuratively.

Cost of Living: If I ever pay more than $10 for a movie, I’m going in with a pair of 3D glasses. One of my friends told me movies cost $15-20 for a regular show up north and I looked at her through the phone - she couldn’t see me, of course - like she had two heads. Club prices…I hear $40-50 is nothing. You know what would have to be going on for a club to charge that much down here? Let’s put it this way: I saw 50 Cent in concert during All-Star Weekend in Atlanta for…$30. I’ve still never paid more than that to go to a club, and I likely never will. Gas is cheaper down here, land is cheaper (which makes the above paragraph work)…and the way y’all have to pay for parking is just awful - although it provides for much comedy via Parking Wars.

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There are some other things too (that I’d just be wrong to mention), but suffice to say I wouldn’t trade this life for two of the alternative…and honestly, I could shoot on this a little more but I’m past 900 words so I’ll stop now.

*Plays Lil Keke’s ‘Southside’ on the way to clicking ‘Publish’*