Raising The Bar

As we put another Father’s Day in the rearview mirror, it’s time to look at how we men choose who we want to be fathers with. Some of us do great jobs regarding the selection process. Some of us do not. Those of us who don’t do such a great job end up paying for it - literally and figuratively - for a long time. For those of us who have avoided the pitfall (or just don’t want to experience it again), how do we avoid it?

It’s really simple: tighten up the selection process and raise the bar.

1. Do not give them extra credit for liking football and/or basketball - or, if they’re black, rooting for only black people in other sports (i.e. the Williams sisters, Tiger Woods, Tia Norfleet - actually, they get credit if they know who Norfleet is).

Once upon a time, there weren’t too many women who liked the sports mentioned above. It really was a plus if you were able to find a woman who could actually watch a game with you and not throw up or ogle at the players. Now, though? Not so much…for two reasons.

The first is that some women have decided to use this as a tool to catch men. That’s all I’m saying about them because it’s the other group I want to focus on: those who actually watch and at least somewhat know the game. There are many more women than people realize who really like those two sports. They’ll sit down, have a conversation, and throw out some real knowledge…

…and therein lies the problem. There are enough of them that the trait is not that special. Simple economic concept here: if everyone’s got it, it’s not that crucial. I’m not saying they don’t deserve any credit at all. I am saying that it should be treated the same as having another set of interests in common such as musical tastes or preferences in décor (minimalist/feng shui, if you’re scoring at home).

I should also note that my mother and Godmother are both avid sports fans, so I’ve been around women who’ve liked sports my whole life. As such, that’s never been a bonus to me. Between that and how much I like sports, it’s almost an expectation.

2. Stop getting with women just to avoid being alone.

Somehow we’ve developed this idea that being a single man is some kind of curse or is indicative of some type of inadequacy. It doesn’t matter what your parents tell you, what your friends tell you (definitely doesn’t matter what women who aren’t your friends tell you)…as long as you are happy, everything is fine.

By the way: if you’re depending on someone else for your happiness, you’re in trouble anyway.

As all of us know, it’s when we get desperate that we make mistakes. I know I have. Matter of fact, a stroll down memory lane…

…I was living in Atlanta, and it was a cold time of the year (literally). I went to the Bounce and met this girl. Truth be told, she wasn’t all that great-looking and was a little more vocal than I’d have liked. I don’t recall going through anything traumatic and I didn’t realize what kind of shape I was in until it was far too late. Anyway, the first desperate thing I did was buy her a drink.

If you know me at all or have read particular entries, you already see the red light.

Second, I didn’t leave her where she was standing when she said she hated guys from Florida. I made the effort to prove her wrong instead of seeing that she wasn’t worth it. Third - and this is what should have done it - is that I let it go when she said she lived with her “ex”…and as the coup de grace, I actually let her spend the night at my house and agreed to take her home before I went to work in the morning - when I had to be there at 7:30 (she did live close to the job, though). By the time she went loco I realized the state I was in, but I’d already made the mistake. Not that I haven’t messed up since then, but I finally learned that desperation - above all else - makes men do stupid things when it comes to women.

Don’t do desperate things when it comes to women. Know your worth.

3. Pay attention when you hear them lie to someone else - and then run for the hills.

Show me a woman who lied to someone else in front of you and I’ll show you a woman who’ll lie to you in the next six months…if not ‘for’ the next six months. If you hear her lie to her mother about being home alone, make a mental note - and please don’t say those words that athletes, criminals, and men are known to have on speed dial…

…”it won’t happen to me”.

I promise you: as sure as I am that I sit at work every day and wait for 6:00 to come, it will happen to you. Your best hope is that it’s an easily detectable lie and you can govern yourself accordingly. Otherwise, you might be so far in your feelings that you refuse to believe the situation that is clearly in front of you. I’m not saying to not trust women at all. Without trust, no situation is going to work. If she says something that doesn’t quite match up with reality, though? Delay the ring-shopping trip.

4. Do not let them tell you how to be you.

One of the things that gets me the most about women is how they think they know how to be a man. First and most obvious, they’re not men. Let’s just get that out of the way.

Now…it’s usually the women who have the smallest amount of idea what a man is that tend to want to create these definitions. Y’all know the ones: no good men in their lives, couldn’t spot a good man if they were in an arena full of them, run off everything with a Y chromosome with their misplaced bitterness and hatred.

That’s one example.

An example that men are far more willing to accept is the whole “cleanup” thing. First of all, no woman should have to do most of the things in that process for you. You should already know how to do such things as pick out clothes (for purchase or wear) and style yourself. You don’t have to read GQ every week, but you should definitely know what style works for you. If she makes a suggestion, listen. Try it out if you feel so inclined. If you go through with it, you best put something else on it before she puts that copyright on. If not, you will hear about it for the rest of your time together and subsequent men will hear about it after that.

One last one: “my father does this, my brother does that”…date them, then. I am me. I have no desire to be like anyone else. If I did, I would be someone else. No one told me I had to be like someone you already knew to hold your attention, and no one told you that you have to be with me if I don’t.

It is cool for women to take positive attributes that males have and prefer that potential mates have them. It is not cool to try to transfer them (in the social work sense) onto everyone that they meet.

If you let them smother you, you’ll never grow. If you say you don’t need to grow anymore, then you need more help than these words can provide.

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Alright, since I’m past 1300 words I’ll just say this: it’s not about looking for perfect women, and it’s definitely not about trying to get over on anyone. It’s about calmly and rationally assessing situations so that we look out for ourselves. If we settle for less, we only have ourselves to blame when the government or our exes come for half our checks. The best protection is self-protection.