Brown Isn't Really Black

Was thinking about something to write about and had no clue. Was going to simply do a 20-something and then the idea came to me. In honor of this whole Coming To America thing, I'm going to talk about a few things that (most) black people (I know) like and I don't...and things I like that (most) black people (I know) don't. They won't be grouped together, as I'm thinking of them randomly.

1. Coming To America - I will never...okay, I have yet to understand why everyone loves this movie. I really don't get why people look at me like I have three heads when I say I don't. It just wasn't funny to me. I'm a fan of very few Eddie Murphy movies (Raw and Boomerang about cover it) and I thought the story stunk. However, as I mentioned in the comments section of 180; I'll give it another chance. I know one person who...nevermind.

2. Ranch dressing - It's mayonnaise with spice. What in the world possesses black folk to put it on everything unde the sun? Not even just salad. I've seen it on chicken, with fries, and on all kinds of other stuff it didn't need to be on. You'd think Hidden Valley looked like Prince Georges County, all these folk who like Ranch.

3. Tupac - I see the steam rising. It's not that I dislike Pac, it's that I like him a lot less than everyone else does. Spare me the "he was intelligent" and "he was a street poet" stuff. And exit stage right if he's in the top 10 of your "best rappers of all time" list. BIG could rap rings around him. Rings. Actually, I'll settle this with a statement and a question. I know what I did on March 9. Do you remember what you did on September 13?

4. Sanford and Son - Redd Foxx is extremely funny. If you've ever heard his records, you know this. His fights with LaWanda Page on the show are pretty much epic. There's no need to even try to pretend otherwise. However, the show as a whole...meh. And if I didn't make you mad with this one, give me this chance coming up now.

5. Good Times - Yeah yeah, theme song...yeah yeah, Kid Dynomite. Whatever. I did like the character of Michael (shut up with the similarity stuff), but I just couldn't ever get into that show. I understand the story it told - not that I liked it, which was a main part of why I couldn't get into the show - and I think it needed to be told. However, there was just too much wrong with it to me: especially toward the end.

6. "Soul Food" - Not the movie, the food itself. When I say y'all can have chitterlings and pig's feet and animals with fur and things that require lard to cook, please believe that's from the heart: you know, the thing that might not work too well if you eat too much of the stuff. My parents knew if there was sowse cooking in the house, I was gone within 30 minutes. I have things I like, but in general...no.

7. Al Sharpton - Now this one I may be a bit off on because I know a few people who don't like the Permed Pundit. He's never come across an opportunity he didn't exploit, and for some reason people actually follow this man. If you know what this reason is, please leave something in the comments section. I've been trying to figure it out for a long time. Oh, since I'm on this sociopolitical thing; the guy that y'all know I'm not a fan of may as well be next.

8. Barack Obama - I always said he was a better candidate than official. Far as I'm concerned, I've been proven right. He gave up the public option and is still probably going to have the health care bill declared unconstitutional. He side-stepped his way into costing Democrats control of the House (and quite a few states, including this one - Alex Sink needs to cuss him out) in 2010. His kowtowing to John Boehner last summer almost literally made me sick. I'm voting for him because I like the Republicans even less. Bought a T-shirt for the same reason. But me being a fan of his? No. Haps.

9. The NBA - Some of y'all are turning me around on this, but it's highly unlikely that I'll watch a game at home before the playoffs start. If I'm out and a game's on, then why not...but if I'm here? Not happening, especially now that baseball is in season. I have teams I root for (and against) and I guess I follow it decently enough, but it's nowhere near the NFL or MLB to me.

10. Neo-soul music - I will pass. "You don't know how to set a mood"...first, I have no need to set a mood. Second, if I want to; I can easily - and I mean easily - pull songs I do like. Now, if I happen to meet someone and she likes it I'll be more than happy to adjust. I do have some. That said, I much prefer adult contemporary hip hop (like some of the stuf Skillz has come out with recently). Besides, nothing beats classic R&B anyway.

Alright, it's halftime. Let's lighten this up a bit.

11. Maroon 5 - I would listen to them all day, every day. My cousin, who is no stranger to having her blackness questioned, said I could never talk about her blackness again when I expressed my happiness about Hands All Over being a great album (which it is). Believe me, I will at some point...but yes, I am a Maroon 5 fan. Anyone who read my 'end of 2011' note probably knows that already.

12. Baseball - Love. That. Sport. It is so great to watch, especially when the matchup is good. I won't even get into the last night of the 2011 regular season, because everyone knows - or should know - about that. I'll just mention that there's so much that goes into a baseball game. There's all kinds of strategy involved, and if you know how to watch pitching...watching the game without sound can be one of the best experiences in sports. So glad it's April.

13. Ron White - If I want to laugh, I watch him. Whether he's talking about watching Robert Tilton or getting thrown out of a bar in New York or a visit to Sunglass Hut or the virtues in women that men would do well to not ignore, he is the funniest person out there to me. He also gets extra points for telling the ever-loving truth that "you can't fix stupid".

14. Wrestling - Outside of Twitter, I know very few black people who like wrestling. I can't recall seeing too many black people at WrestleMania. There weren't any in our section, I know that much. I imagine that part of this has to do with the lack of black wrestlers (similar to baseball) or the idea that Vince McMahon is racist (which he likely is, but probably not significantly moreso than many in his position). All well and good. I still find it entertaining, though.

15. Titanic - I still think Jack was a plum idiot for not jumping on a table after the boat sank, but whatever. I actually like the movie, no matter what Steve Harvey says. Billy Zane was really good as Cal. The movie had much unintentional humor. They could have cut the present-day stuff short, and I think Eric Braeden (Victor Newman, for those who don't know) should have had a larger role, but if that movie comes on I'm watching it.

16. Blue Collar movies - I know Ron White was in the movies. If you've seen the movies - or really, if you've seen his stuff outside of Blue Collar - you understand why this is a separate entry. Ron White's style of comedy is different than the rest of the guys. He's not nearly as homespun as the rest of them. All this said, my dad is the only black person I know besides myself who likes the Blue Collar movies...so it's here.

17. Airing "Dirty Laundry" - Bill Cosby had the most famous fairly-recent example of this. People drilled him for it, but I was (and still am) all for it. Wrong is wrong, and we have to confront that wrong if we ever want things to be right. We have to know that certain parts of our culture are holding us back at an aggregate level. That's why I'm in support of the dress standards at FAMU. Sad they had to be implemented, but glad they were.

18. Correct English - This one I don't think I'll ever get. What is the ever-loving fascination with variations on something that doesn't need to vary? You want to vary from English? Learn French or Spanish or Mandarin or Swahili or...you get the point. Mis-spelling things on purpose and then trying to say you just want to be different is not cool. Maybe - and I do mean maybe - it was cool when people first did it...in the 90s. Now, though? No: especially if you haven't convinced anyone you know how to spell words correctly (and can thus identify your alternative spellings as actually being different).

19. Tommy Hilfiger - Now, my brand is really Banana Republic...but a lot of black people hate Tommy Hilfiger because of a supposed appearance on Oprah that he never made. I still wear some Tommy, along with some Polo and BR and whatever else happens to be in my closet. I'm not going to say Tommy isn't racist - I obviously don't know him - but the company treated my parents well when there was an issue with a shirt my dad had...and who's to say that Ralph Lauren isn't racist? But anyway, urban legend gone wrong...and everybody bought it.

20. Smiling - I had no idea where to go with this last one, and I had a list of different things written out. Got to this one and decided that this was the one. What is it with black folk and not smiling? It's not like smiling makes someone weak or forgetful of the society we live in. If anything, it's the exact opposite. Smiles show our ability to overcome, to obtain happiness despite whatever obstacles - no matter where they come from - are in our way. And then a bunch of people go around hating when other people smile, like they're supposed to be miserable too. I like smiles. Live and be happy.

---

Seriously. Smile. Be happy. Thank me later, as if my name was Aubrey.