Why Men Should Be Minimalists

I’ve seen the general subject of what an effort split in a dating/relationship situation should be discussed before. You can imagine how the discussion usually goes. Women say men should do more, men say it should be more equal. In case anyone’s wondering, I think the man should do slightly more (maybe 60/40).

That said, I think men would be wise to try a different strategy: if not in general, then definitely in certain situations. Women are always taught not to cast their pearls before swine. Well, neither should we. We should be minimalists when it comes to dating (minimalist behavior being defined as “not doing everything we can, but doing everything that is necessary”) for a few reasons. Before the women get all upset, minimalism will help women out too.

So, why should men be minimalists when it comes to dating?

1. If you’re not a minimalist at first, it sets a bad precedent.

I’m sure we’ve all heard the saying that whatever you have to do to get a woman, you have to do at least as much to keep her. If your first date is at Ruth’s Chris, your second (or fifth) can’t be at Hip Hop Fish & Chicken. We have to keep our levels up and go higher as things progress. Do everything in the beginning and then…um…what’s left for later?

2. If you do too much at first, she may like you for your actions - which anyone can do, to be honest - and not for you.

This one I’ve gone through, and it’s the worst. I asked a girlfriend why she loved me once and she said it was because of what I did for her. While it was nice to hear the actions regarded so highly, I felt worse after she gave that response because I felt eminently replaceable. Anyone can send some cards or buy some flowers or whatever. Whether that happens with a particular woman depends on timing. I’m sorry, but circumstance and my own actions are the wrong things upon which someone should base their feelings for me.

3. If you do too much at first, she may feel like she can never catch up.

I’m not talking about men who do crazy things, and I’m not talking about women who take as naturally as they breathe. I’m talking about the situation in which perfectly well-meaning women are showered to the point of saturation. There are many women who want to be fully contributing partners in relationships, but might wonder if that can ever happen when men do so much all the time.

4. You potentially open yourself up for failure - and other things - when you don't follow minimalist principles.

You run the risk of making yourself emotionally vulnerable if you don’t follow minimalist principles.

So you do all these things in the first few weeks of dating. Every act you complete, you become that much more vulnerable because eventually you’ll start to wonder where the reciprocation is (if the level thereof is insufficient). When you start having those questions, you’re more liable to do things that are out of your comfort zone - and hers.

5. It just makes sense to be a minimalist.

It is irrational to do more than is necessary to achieve anything. I could stay at the office an extra hour every day, but what’s the point if I’m not getting paid…or even worse, if there’s nothing to do? If I can hear the TV at 10, why turn the volume up to 30? Sometimes we exceed for the sake of excess rather than succeed for the sake of success.

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And just to make sure this gets across (or try to make sure), I’m not saying men should chinch in relationships. I believe the opposite is true. However, it may simply not be best for men to play all their cards in the beginning.