I know as a man, I'm not supposed to do certain things. I'm not supposed to wear dresses. I'm not supposed to walk on the inside. I'm not supposed to do this, I'm not supposed to do that. Fine, cool, whatever. Apparently, I'm also not supposed to talk very much - if at all.
I'm definitely not supposed to talk about my feelings...to a woman...about that woman. If I do so I'm sensitive or I'm a punk or I'm needy or I need to man up or whatever else women like to say.
Well, guess what? I'm talking. Not only that, I'm talking about the idea that I should be able to talk. Why? Two reasons. Number one, it's about time someone said something about this nonsense. Number two, because I can.
A friend of mine (male, of course) and I were talking online about this last night. He said that men need an avenue to express themselves and their feelings without instant rebuttal or ridicule. I told him that's why God invented (sports) bars and strip clubs. Barbershops can fall into this category as well. At any rate...people - most famously Chris Rock at the end of Bigger and Blacker - say that men go to these places to get away from women. That's not the whole story. Men go to these places to get away from women and the double standards that often take effect when conversations arise. As Rock said, asking a woman how her day went is a 45-minute conversation. If a man takes longer than 4.5 minutes to discuss his day, he's talking too much - and if his only punishment is an interruption for minutes 46-60, he's lucky.
And please, oh please, don't let a man talk to a woman about anything of emotional substance...especially if it's about her. Just has 'loss' written all over it. Well, just the same I'm going to say this for the people in the cheap seats.
Women mess up and/or act foul. Women do this a lot. Women do this as much as men do. Even worse, many women will say they do this more than men...and then turn around and brag about being better at it, as if that's a credit to their personas.
One of the ways women mess up is by employing the conversational double standard described above. How? Glad you - okay, I - asked. When women employ this double standard, they prohibit themselves from getting the one thing they say they really want from their men: the opportunity to see the total picture, who the men really are. You can't ask someone to only be part of themselves, and women constantly and continuously ask this of men when they disregard feelings and dismiss them using terminology mentioned in the second paragraph. When women share their emotions, they're opening up. When men do it, they're being sensitive. If doing the same thing and expecting a different result is insanity, then what is doing the same thing and calling it different? Don't answer that: just think about it.
Now imagine a conversation that involves something a bit nuanced: something in which there isn't a clear 'right' or 'wrong' answer. Um...taking me a while as I haven't been in this situation in a minute...let's say a woman does something that isn't 'wrong' but makes a man feel uneasy. If he gets into why it makes him feel uneasy, one of two things will happen: she'll talk with him through the situation and they'll reach an accord, or she'll shut him down and make him think twice about ever approaching her with an emotional issue again. Sooner or later, all women choose the latter - and that leads to problems from which it's very hard for any relationship to recover.
So a man's emotionally cut off. That's when the work hours get longer. That's when they visit other places more...and for longer periods of time. Part of the joy - really, relief - that men experience from going to bars and clubs is that they're among friends. Yes, I said they're among friends. Part of freindship is being emotionally available. Once women cut that off, they're really no longer friends...although they may not realize it yet.
Men are among friends when they go to such places, and more often than not those friends have gone through similar experiences. This is why men are able to cope with emotional detachment for so long: social outlets are able to provide a Band-Aid type of solution. That said, Band-Aids have never cured anything. They've never provided permanent solutions. Either you have to heal yourself or there has to be someone willing to help with the healing process. See where I'm going with this?
It's a "part of the solution or part of the problem" situation. Considering all that women have gone through to earn equal rights to those of men - and the fact that the goal hasn't been fully achieved - it seems contradictory to me that so many women would choose to not take an active role in a process which would help both women and men immensely. It would open the lines of communication - and likely honesty - but for some reason they choose to keep such doors closed.
Perhaps they don't want the responsibility...which often leads to blame. The status quo allows women to blame men for most relationship issues and failures. Even if she cheats, "he did something to make her cheat". Women get to skate and slide away from blame so much, and I really can't blame them for not wanting to give that up. Idea's the same as that which I have concerning why I don't believe black people really want the equality they say they do (http://thejahfiles.blogspot.com/2011/04/volume-fifty-eight-equality-edition.html). Who wants to increase the possibility that they are wrong or act wrongly? It's not human.
It's also not human to ignore emotions: whether they are our own or those of others, whether we do so on our own or are influenced by others. Of course, men are forced into this inhuman morass and then blamed for participating. "That's just part of being a man"...what the (insert your own expletive here) ever. It's easy to dismiss things that are not in one's favor. Many women know this, as they have plenty of experience in the area.
If women want men to be open, then maybe they should allow for it. Maybe they should allow men to give them what they say they want. Who knows whether they actually mean it? That's another issue in itself. At any rate: if a woman wants silence from her man, he may give that to her...via his departure.
"...via his departure"
ReplyDeleteThe coldest line of the piece.
I can relate, in whole, to this. I was called too sensitive. I was stunned by it. I hadn't said anything really. I had tons of emotions boiling, nay burbling on the inside yet, the little non-emotional thought I did share I was labeled sensitive? Quiet and gone...just how you predicted it.
But like you bring up Blacks, there will be individuals that live up to the claims...just got to know where they be.
Good, valid points. I now realize the importance of encouraging a man to speak his mind and heart without interruption, but here's the problem I've had lately....they don't because of previous experience with their thoughts/feelings being discounted by past [insert titles].
ReplyDeleteI can't claim I'm the most mature woman out here, but a great deal of it has to do with age and a realization that some aspects of a man's core persona are just as important as those that are visible. I've been trying my best to be a better listener and understand what drives a man to do and say whatever it is. A great deal is learned by simply sitting back and observing. My work hubby has (unknowingly) taught me a great deal about communication. We're so Mars/Venus but I've taken that as an opportunity to improve my way of communicating...although I have a great deal more to work on. I want to encourage you to continue to have an open heart, the woman who respects and identifies with it will appreciate it. As you so perfectly stated "You can't ask someone to only be part of themselves."
@Jouromeo: That's how it goes, often with the "past [insert titles]" that CG talked about - and that's how they become past [insert titles].
ReplyDelete@CG: Men need to learn to trust women with their emotions just as much (if not moreso than) women need to learn to trust men in kind. If you provide a comforting atmosphere and they don't open up, that's on them.
I'm sure your communication skills will be fine, and they're probably better than you think. The only thing it really takes to be a good communicator (and the one thing it can't happen without) is effort. Everything else should take care of itself.