WrestleMania XXIX Predictions

After the baseball post fiasco – which, to be honest, I’m still quite bummed about – I finally decided to pick it back up and get on to WrestleMania.

This WrestleMania won’t be as much fun as last year’s for two reasons: 1) the card and buildup have both been terrible, and 2) I’m not going like I was last year and will be next year. However, it is the year’s biggest wrestling event so here I go.

Chris Jericho vs. Fandango: One of the reasons I don’t like this year’s WrestleMania is that the card is eminently predictable, especially to people who follow wrestling like I do. For instance, I know Jericho is a part-timer. I know Vince loves the Fandango gimmick. I know Vince is going to try to make a sell (not sale) on the biggest stage, both in terms of event and locale. Did I mention Jericho's touring next week?

Winner: Fandango

Kane and Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston: This could go either way, but there are more reasons to have Dolph and Big E win. We as a public have to believe that Big E can wrestle. Dolph needs a big win. Kane and Daniel Bryan have been rumored to break up for months, and Bryan in particular needs to get back to singles competition as he’s the most ‘over’ full-timer on the roster besides CM Punk. There are two reasons Kane and Bryan can win this match: 1) Dolph and Big E can’t be hamstrung as a tag team with Ziggler’s briefcase time running short, and 2) WWE likes to have the briefcase holder lose their match on a PPV if they plan on a cash-in later.

Winners: Kane and Daniel Bryan (if you follow wrestling, you see where this is going)

Ryback vs. Mark Henry: This is too easy. Ryback is Vince’s baby. Henry has reportedly had problems with the company, to the point that his departure was a possibility. Oh, and Henry is black.

Winner: Ryback

The Shield vs. Randy Orton, Big Show, and Sheamus: Another entirely predictable match. Everyone knows Orton wants to go heel. The Shield still needs that big win on a big stage, and beating a team with Orton gives that. With all the focus on Big Show’s trustworthiness, Sheamus accidentally hits Orton to cost them the match. Orton goes off on Sheamus post-match.

Winners: The Shield

CM Punk vs. The Undertaker: Really? It’s the Streak. If you need any other reason, Booking 101 says the guy who looks better at the go-home show loses the match. The thing that stinks about this is that this will be the third straight PPV in which Punk loses. Sigh.

Winner: The Undertaker

Jack Swagger vs. Alberto Del Rio: They are not giving Swagger a title reign. No way, no how. Del Rio will win and Ziggler will cash in.

Winner: Alberto Del Rio (with a cash-in by Ziggler, who will win the belt)

Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar: It’s about time for Trips to focus on his front office stuff. Brock is signed for another year. It makes no sense for Trips to win this match. None whatsoever. Shawn Michaels’ prediction is the predictable smokescreen. If Trips books himself to win, he’s every bit the selfish opportunistic prick I’ve called him for ten years.

Winner: Brock Lesnar

The Rock vs. John Cena: The only way Rock wins is if WWE decides to string people along for another month. They won’t. Cena wins…but doesn’t turn heel…yet. That will happen at Extreme Rules. Cena’s new adversary will be someone who we won’t have seen for a month: someone who’ll need to take Rock’s place after he goes back to Hollywood, someone who the Cena haters – which he’ll still have plenty of – will love. That man? CM Punk.

I know that was a whole lot to say…oh, back to the Mania match: it will set up Rock/Cena III at SummerSlam. The title matches will be Del Rio/Ziggler and Punk/Bryan.

Winner: John Cena

Other Thoughts: I’m not here for the Diddy performance…anyone else find it funny that the guy who was supposed to come out of Mania two years ago as the big star isn’t even on the card (as of yet)…there’s no “total nonsense” and/or celebrity match on this card – yet…there’s no show-stealing element, so I’m not sure who comes out of Mania as a big star (it won’t be Ziggler, even if he wins the title) – shoot, the biggest star out of last year’s Mania was the one they wanted to bury: and given their rebuke of the organic push that Bryan got, it’s fair to ask if this creative group would’ve buried Stone Cold 16 years ago…Cesaro doesn’t have a match yet and I can’t even remember who the IC champ is (I think it’s still Barrett)…there’s no Divas match, but they almost have to have one…beforehand, I’ll say this PPV will rate as a 7/10: it will be slightly better than the 6/10 I honestly expect.